March 2022 Pt2

So I am almost at the end of march and I was able to see my two boys twice in a month which was great. I was able to see Gabby and of course she wants me to house sit so she can go on vacation in November of 2023 joy she offered to pay me but it will probally nothing as I always say I will believe it when I see it. I still think about that night when my phone went to video call and she saw me as Danielle as I am still loving it but she hasn't said anything to me about it. As for my health I really don't know what my body is doing but all I do know is that I am on the heart medications for the rest of my life and now there might be an issue with my kidney's they blood work show a slight elevation in the reports showing dehydration, even though my blood pressure has low in my opinion 77/ 50 which is low for me, so I gave a copy to my cardioligist and to my primary care phycian so far no calls but It was recommended by the doctor I saw on March 16th to only take descovy if I have sex with someone but I don't think I will ever find someone which is depressing. As for work they are slowly increasing the hours and I am sort of on a mid shift which I hate and the new people working during the day time which I hate but I am not going to complain because I am getting at least 36 hours a week but trying to keep my head a float, I also got my Federal tax return for this year but nothing from last year that they owe me 553. As for getting my breasts augmentation done I am putting it on hold for now until I can get the revision done. I just hope that my body doesn't have other plans in mind unlike last year ending up having open heart surgery. I am taking things day by day.

March 18, Well I think this is important for me to put this in my journal. I am almost lost consciousness after hit the side of my head on the metal piece of the slicer causing the side of my head to bleed and almost losing consciousness while working. Crieg saw me hit my head and heard the sound as well. I was fighting to keep awake except for the pain I was feeling and a experiencing a slight dizzy spells. I did manage to pull through the night but the next day I was thinking that I shouldn't have fought it and let myself go and wake up with amnesia thinking that it was 2016 that I was suppose to be in Pa. and being oblivious to everything around me. But what would other's think when I start asking questions about how did I get here and why are you calling me Danielle instead of Daniel. I just don't know how things will turn out. I still think about everyone especially Katlin that I haven't in years. Wondering how she is doing and trying to figure out what I have to done to her that she is ignoring me. Every time I think about her I cry feeling sad because I do not know what to do to make mends, I don't even know if she got my Christmas card or will she accept a gift from me for her wedding. As for now I feel like that I am starting to burned out from working at Arby's, it aggravates me that people are stupid when ordering. Asking stupid questions, like the skit on Facebook page when a son and his dad do short skits  talking about people ordering at McDonalds or they act like Patrick Star on Sponge Bob square pants. Well I am going to close out this page as I will do a reply to what transpired this month.

March is just about over. I was able to see my kids until She started her stuff again. Late last month I offered to take her and Robert to Will's Eye Hospital for his eye appointment but of course she doesn’t want me to take them because Robert said so. I explained to merle that I offered and no need to find someone else to take them. I told her that it was my responsibility to take them as I am his Dad, but she told me that it came from Robert also telling me that he has every right to refuse me to take him.  but should I believe her or not. I am at a loss her as I have said many times to her that I still care about my family and even her but she went on with her antic's telling me that she wasn't the one that threw the family out in the trash and made her get a job to take care of the family. I wanted, so badly that I left because of her and her abuse. Making me fell like all I was just a chauffer and her working bitch all the time not even getting a day off from either job. But in her mind it was me that was causing the conflict of abuse as she got our kids believing it as well as they will not talk to me at all. Sometimes I would sit and think about the good times we had before everything started going down. Even remembering our wedding day and when we first met, when I was working at 7-11 in Rio Grande in the store as she looked like a bad Ass riding on her brother's Harley Davidson Bike, and her all decked out in leather and he nice looking chest. I fell in love with her at first site. Asking her out. I broke my promise to myself that I wouldn't get married but several months later I got married, blinded by love thinking that she was the one my soulmate for life. But look at me today been seperated for almost 3 years as of April 23, 2019 I just could not take anymore of the abuse and having her hitting me with the waist band of a pair of pants and several time she hit me. I would try to put my arms up to protect myself but she would say that I am going to hit her even though I wouldn't. Throughout the years I have shelved everything under the rug thinking that things would change but it never did. I was just a fool believing it would. Now I am doing fair with pretty much trying to get my body back to normal but after heart surgery will I ever get back to normal doing the same things I was doing before my open heart surgery. Sadly I do not think so, for things have changed for me drastically. I just can not do a lot of things like I use to do.

As for my progress with my HRT, I will be doing that for the rest of my life. I am back to advocating for myself to set my schedual for my revision surgery and I am still feeling the pain from my open heart surgery, shortness of breath but not to much like prior times, but I still say that I have no regrets of transitioning. I have to say that Daniel still tells me or make me feel the doubt of loosing the family which I feel that I had before I left. I am still listening to music but it has been increasing. Just trying to keep the sadness away. I have started smoking pot but not every day. Ryland ex boyfriend gave me a gram and I started smoking it but I haven't been able smoke the whole joint because I having shortness of breath and the coughing wasn't making it any better but after all the coughing I just don't feel the pain anymore but like before when I was in my senior year in high school it relieved the pressure of life for awhile but I do know that it is only temporary. That the issues will never go away permanently. But that little relief is a welcome.

When Merle told me that Robert did want me to take them to their appointment my breakers didn't go off like they use to but I have a little more self control to keep my mind on solid ground. Even though I still have merle throwing pop-shots at me and my daughter's wedding I feel that I will survive. But to be honest I don't know about my daughter Kaitlin's wedding as I am trying to keep my mind occupied with something else like my class reunion in May as well. Working to keep my spirits up also trying to be ok at work as well that it seem that the customers are starting to get under my skim with their stupidity when they are ordering food. But I am using their special events that they are having on Friday, like last week they had an 80's dress up theme, I wore black leggings and a bodysuit. I used that as a distraction and this Friday they are doing dress up in tye dye, have to figure out what I am going to wear this should be fun.