March 17
Today is St. Patrick's day, but just another day without you sweetheart. I just can't find anything to smile about. Had to go to the hospital today to sign a release form for the COD form and broke down in the office. I just feel drained of emotion except for grief. My friends are telling me to be strong but I don't know how. I just nod and say ok.
I was strong for my mom and sister when my dad passed away last year. I kept the tears at bay so they would have someone strong to lean on and do what had to be done, but when it comes to you I feel completely defeated. I just can't believe how empty and hollow I feel. I'm not lonely for anyone's company, just you. I miss you so much. It still hurts more than I could ever imagine and I still dread waking in the morning because it's a new day to go through without you. I keep to myself as much as I can because I just don't have the patience to deal with people right now. I know they mean well but I'm tired of sympathy speeches and people who have no concept of losing anyone telling me how to get through my day and what I need to do to get on with my life. Without you to smile at me and hold onto, even giving me heck for something that made us both laugh I can't seem to get a grip on things. I'm still detached from everything and everyone except the kids.
I took mara for a walk this afternoon and just wound up walking without thinking. I wasn't paying attention to the time or the distance and eventually wound up back home but I don't remember what streets we were on and mara was pretty tired when we got back.The snow is melting and soon it'll be time to start hiking in the woods like we always did. Now it's just mara and me and that brings on another wave when I think of you not walking beside me.
I need to tell you things and I need you to be there and I can't stand looking at everything in our house that I bought because you liked it or we bought together because your taste was always better than mine. I don't know if it should be getting easier now but sweetheart it's not.
I love you always babe,
Mike
I was strong for my mom and sister when my dad passed away last year. I kept the tears at bay so they would have someone strong to lean on and do what had to be done, but when it comes to you I feel completely defeated. I just can't believe how empty and hollow I feel. I'm not lonely for anyone's company, just you. I miss you so much. It still hurts more than I could ever imagine and I still dread waking in the morning because it's a new day to go through without you. I keep to myself as much as I can because I just don't have the patience to deal with people right now. I know they mean well but I'm tired of sympathy speeches and people who have no concept of losing anyone telling me how to get through my day and what I need to do to get on with my life. Without you to smile at me and hold onto, even giving me heck for something that made us both laugh I can't seem to get a grip on things. I'm still detached from everything and everyone except the kids.
I took mara for a walk this afternoon and just wound up walking without thinking. I wasn't paying attention to the time or the distance and eventually wound up back home but I don't remember what streets we were on and mara was pretty tired when we got back.The snow is melting and soon it'll be time to start hiking in the woods like we always did. Now it's just mara and me and that brings on another wave when I think of you not walking beside me.
I need to tell you things and I need you to be there and I can't stand looking at everything in our house that I bought because you liked it or we bought together because your taste was always better than mine. I don't know if it should be getting easier now but sweetheart it's not.
I love you always babe,
Mike
Replies
Dear Mike,
Of course it\'s not going to be getting easier - you are so new to this grief journey, your loss is so recent - please give yourself a break, don\'t beat yourself up about being sad, about crying, about missing your partner - the love of your life. It is all normal - it is all part of grieving. Grief takes as long as it takes and everyone grieves differently.
Friends and family mean well - but unless they\'ve experienced this kind of loss, they really don\'t know what to say, what to do and many times end up sounding cruel or unfeeling. That is what makes coming here so important - everyone here has been where you are - we all \"get it\".
You don\'t have to be strong - you just lost half of your heart, half of your life - that will take you to your knees. Please be gentle with yourself - rest when you can - eat when you can. Cry when you need to and come here often for support, comfort and understanding. We\'re here for you.
Sending you a hug,
Chris
Dear Mike,
I am so sorry. This is all so new to you, and it does not get easier for a long time. Please just take care of yourself right now. You have obviously had multiple losses, with the loss of your Dad last year. I also lost my Dad last year and thought things could not get any worse. Then I lost my 47 year old husband and realized that they could get much worse. All your feelings are normal and people do not understand until they experience this type of loss. Hugs to you today, Dawn
Thank you. I know without a doubt that everyone here gets it. I see that in most of the profiles the words could be mine. My heart goes out to you for your losses as well. I\'m just a mess at the moment and it\'s hard to believe it will ever change.
Again, thank you for your kind thoughts.
Mike, you are not alone....I am so very very sorry for your loss....it breaks my
heart every time someone new joins the group. I am 18 months into this ...
as far as people giving advice and trying to tell you how to get on with your
life, I would say, \"I\'m doing the best that I can with where I am and what I have..\", I also had no problem telling people when they asked how I was doing (even after 13 months ) that it wasn\'t getting easier and it SUCKED..
grief is a journey and it\'s YOUR journey to get through anyway you want..
sending you hugs and peace in your heart....take care of YOU it\'s all that
matters right now....(i\'ve been in professional therapy for over a year)
Thank you. There are some very wonderfull people on here, yourself included who reach out to comfort others and when it\'s done by someone who not only understands by personal experience, but actually feels the same pain it\'s much different than hearing it from someone who means well but doesn\'t really understand.
I just started therapy a couple of weeks ago but I guess it takes a long time.
Mike ~ there is no way to put a \"timeline\" to grief....it\'s different for each of us....what works for one may not work for another...the important thing is to be gentle with yourself, as Chris said, eat when you can, sleep when you can, cry when you need to....tears are cleansing, I believe...I believe each tear carries away a minute bit of the pain...that is why we cry so much....because we hurt so much...
I bid you Peace, & Healing....~E~
Hi Mike,
I to am new to this journey and was brought here suddenly without warning. I feel forever blessed that I got to be married to the love of my life for 27 years. I understand a lot of what you have said. Crying is something I have come to accept, even when it catches me off guard. I worry about how I live right now, because of my children. I don\'t know if you have done this, but it helped me a lot. Three weeks after my husband\'s funeral I went to the cemetary and bought the right to be buried right there with him. I bought the head stone and it will have both our names on it. Before this I would have been uncomfortable with this idea, but now it gives me great comfort to know that someday I will lay down beside him once again. People asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that, they said things like you are young are you sure you might meet someone else. I forgave them for not understanding and finaly started saying he is the father of my children, for their sake I will be buried with their father. That seemed to acceptable. People will tell you to be strong, you don\'t have to be, you are grieving. Forgive them their ignorance.