Manic Wednesday

I am back online after a short break. I had a manic episode this week and I usually do a "media fast" until I feel more stable. I haven't had a total panic atttack since January, which was also brought on by a conversation with my Mom about money and my future. I keep a private journal where I track my moods and what else is going on in my life. I realized that my PMDD (like PMS times 10) is a major factor in my panic attacks. I don't now why, but writing a public journal here is therapeutic in a new way. I guess sharing something makes it less lonely. I'm tired of feeling like my mental health issues are some big secret. 

My therapist said to try and remember what happened during this last breakdown and what I was feeling, so here goes. I got into an unpleasant conversation with my mother. It triggered a whole snowball effect of fear and anger. I know from school that this is when the hippocampus is experiencing an electical "storm" of neurons firing. When I feel like this, I am afraid that I will be homeless. It is my biggest fear, next to being stuck in a bed in a state run retirement home like my Grandma was. I am in my thirties, but I'm constantly worried about what will happen to me when I'm old. Then, I start worrying that my husband will die. He has a serious seizure disorder, so it 's a real concern. Then, I start to feel guilty that my family has had to help me so much, while at the same time feeling angry that there are so many strings attached. In those moments, I feel like I am no good to the world, that my life has no purpose and that I am just a burden. These thoughts trigger uncontrollable sobbing, which leads to vomiting and then a ton of bad effects from not absorbing my meds. 

Afterwards, I felt groggy and sick and couldn't really remember what had happened. My husband filled me in, and he is a wonderful support during these times. I felt hungover for about two days, followed by my manic episode. I think I shold write a seperate post about that. Anyway, it's really crazy how differently I feel during those times and how much my perspective can change in just a few days. It's like I'm not myself, except that we are always ourselves, it's just a different aspect of myself.