Making time...
Everything is a struggle now. Every breath I seem to have to beg out of my body. Unsure why. Assuming it's the grief. I have to say that this shit sucks! There aren't enough sucks minus indicatrs on my brother's pessimist's scale.
I don't know if it is helpful or harmful, but my Mom is now in a grave about 3 city blocks away from the house we shared. I go past 2 times each day and some days I stop by for a visit. I always say good morning and good night to her. I just can't figure out what is expected of me now.
My friends seem to be tiring of my grief. Some of them stop short of telling me to get over it, others say it in their actions. I guess they just don't know what to do. I make them uncomfortable. Some of them have even gone so far as to say that it's time for me to start doing this that or the other thing socially.
I have a friend whose daughter was my daughter's first friend and they have been having sleepovers almost weekly for 6 years now. I have let my daughter go to their family outings out of town and such too. I was asked if my little girl wanted to go to the aunt's house to go out on the boat. My daughter loves to go there and I am sure that she would have loved to go. BUT. I am not there yet. I lost all this time with my Mom that I can't get back. For what? To work 60 plus hours at a job that I still haven't been able to do well. I am in a place in my mind where I need to draw my kids in to me and know where they are and spend time with them. My 18 year old son isn't as easy to do that with. My daughter is 8 and still wants to spend time with me. Our friend has always used my daughter as a quasi babysitter. If she's got friends there, it's more peaceful and less of a draw on my friend's energy.
I am not being malicious, just real on this. Her daughter is 14 now and she doesn't want her to be. She struggles with spending time with her daughter and I will swear that she doesn't think of her as a teen. I know she wants nothing more for her daughter than to be average, like the other kids her age and when she acts like other kids her age, she won't allow it. Then she treats my 8 year old as if she was 14!
Didn't mean for this to turn into a rant. :( I didn't realize what this was building up to be. She doesn't mean anyone any harm at all. It's just how she is.
Gotta go now.
I don't know if it is helpful or harmful, but my Mom is now in a grave about 3 city blocks away from the house we shared. I go past 2 times each day and some days I stop by for a visit. I always say good morning and good night to her. I just can't figure out what is expected of me now.
My friends seem to be tiring of my grief. Some of them stop short of telling me to get over it, others say it in their actions. I guess they just don't know what to do. I make them uncomfortable. Some of them have even gone so far as to say that it's time for me to start doing this that or the other thing socially.
I have a friend whose daughter was my daughter's first friend and they have been having sleepovers almost weekly for 6 years now. I have let my daughter go to their family outings out of town and such too. I was asked if my little girl wanted to go to the aunt's house to go out on the boat. My daughter loves to go there and I am sure that she would have loved to go. BUT. I am not there yet. I lost all this time with my Mom that I can't get back. For what? To work 60 plus hours at a job that I still haven't been able to do well. I am in a place in my mind where I need to draw my kids in to me and know where they are and spend time with them. My 18 year old son isn't as easy to do that with. My daughter is 8 and still wants to spend time with me. Our friend has always used my daughter as a quasi babysitter. If she's got friends there, it's more peaceful and less of a draw on my friend's energy.
I am not being malicious, just real on this. Her daughter is 14 now and she doesn't want her to be. She struggles with spending time with her daughter and I will swear that she doesn't think of her as a teen. I know she wants nothing more for her daughter than to be average, like the other kids her age and when she acts like other kids her age, she won't allow it. Then she treats my 8 year old as if she was 14!
Didn't mean for this to turn into a rant. :( I didn't realize what this was building up to be. She doesn't mean anyone any harm at all. It's just how she is.
Gotta go now.
Replies
i fully understand. i on the other hand have pulled away from my life and distanced myself from everyone i love not physically but emotionally. i feel like god takes everyone im close to so if i dont show love for this person or that person it will be ok they wont b taken from me. i go through this every time i lose someone. dont put a time limit on ur grief. i only wish we could and then be like ok its all better i can go back to normal life but it dont work that way and neither do we. go to ur moms graveside any time you want i only wish i could.
Thank you for your kind words! I wish you could go to your Mom too. Sometimes I think it helps to be there. Mostly I just holler out to her wherever I am. In the first stage of this grief thing I gave up on normal altogether. I still don\'t know what normal looks like after 11 weeks. Maybe I\'ll be able to gain my balance and find the new normal one day. It\'s going to take time though. I hope the people in my life who matter the most will one day understand that.
I also hope that you are able to find a balance of some sort, and peace, at least once in awhile. You are very right when you say not to rush grief. I don\'t think it can be rushed. It will sneak up on us later if we put it away too soon.
XO-Rachel
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I hope get better for you. (HUGS) Kristine
Thanks so much Kristine. I am sure they will one day be better. They will certainly be different if nothing else. I just don\'t quite know which end is up at this point. I pray we all are able to hold it together until about the 3rd week of August. We should have my loan at that point and we can settle some debt and get past the financial craziness for a time.
It will get better, I just pray we\'re able to get to that point. :)
Thanks again!
(HUGS) Rachel