making progress, one day at a time
hey lovely friends! i know ive been gone for awhile.. but im back. lots of things have been going on personally.. at times i'd find myself feeling down.. or confused, or lost.
so the things that i never thought i could do or accomplish, i could do. for example, feeling anxious of not getting my permit at 20 years old and finally reaching independence. but last week, i did receive my drivers permit, and the second time around, ive gotten better by hard work and i know i can do it.
ive also been looking back on my life and sitting through my emotions, thinking why i feel the way i feel. family members telling me i cant do this, or i'll fail if i do that. its been overwhelming.
so anyways, for the past few years, looking back ive been around people whom ive known for a long time since i was 4 or 5.. till now that when i think of them i feel uncomfortable being around them.. cos they remind me of myself in a way. mostly they're my "walking" insecurities. ever since i was little, everywhere my parents went i went up until i was 18. now that theres social media, i can see what my friends and others are up to. during that time, i thought other people i know are having the time of their lives, theyre hanging with their friends and im sitting here at a family friends party feeling upset and jealous, also bored out of my mind. i thought if only i could drive, i wouldnt be in the situation im in.
those people who i know for a long time, my parents friends.. thinking of how their lives are for some reason makes me feel a bit depressed, id think "oh im afraid thats gonna be me in the next 10 or 20 years." then i'd think "oh maybe i should kill myself in the future so i wont have to continue living the pointless life im living.." but suicide is never the answer.
yes i may have been around toxic people, and ive poisoned myself (including in high school) with jealousy, bitterness, anger and negativity. also i know some people my age who have been to London and Paris with their lovers and it makes me feel more hopeless for myself.
i told my dad i wanted to get married at around the age of 26.. his response was "dont wait til youre too old to get married.." which makes me even more depressed.. it also causes me to overthink even more, afraid maybe i wont end up getting married at that age.
there are moments in my life where i have felt maybe life isnt too bad, it does get better, with online lovers that eventually never work out in the end, but at least ive given myself some experience of what its like to be in love.
i'll keep holding on and ive got big dreams ahead. i just wanted to say im still alive and im not dead. LOL. i wish u all the best. xoxo
so the things that i never thought i could do or accomplish, i could do. for example, feeling anxious of not getting my permit at 20 years old and finally reaching independence. but last week, i did receive my drivers permit, and the second time around, ive gotten better by hard work and i know i can do it.
ive also been looking back on my life and sitting through my emotions, thinking why i feel the way i feel. family members telling me i cant do this, or i'll fail if i do that. its been overwhelming.
so anyways, for the past few years, looking back ive been around people whom ive known for a long time since i was 4 or 5.. till now that when i think of them i feel uncomfortable being around them.. cos they remind me of myself in a way. mostly they're my "walking" insecurities. ever since i was little, everywhere my parents went i went up until i was 18. now that theres social media, i can see what my friends and others are up to. during that time, i thought other people i know are having the time of their lives, theyre hanging with their friends and im sitting here at a family friends party feeling upset and jealous, also bored out of my mind. i thought if only i could drive, i wouldnt be in the situation im in.
those people who i know for a long time, my parents friends.. thinking of how their lives are for some reason makes me feel a bit depressed, id think "oh im afraid thats gonna be me in the next 10 or 20 years." then i'd think "oh maybe i should kill myself in the future so i wont have to continue living the pointless life im living.." but suicide is never the answer.
yes i may have been around toxic people, and ive poisoned myself (including in high school) with jealousy, bitterness, anger and negativity. also i know some people my age who have been to London and Paris with their lovers and it makes me feel more hopeless for myself.
i told my dad i wanted to get married at around the age of 26.. his response was "dont wait til youre too old to get married.." which makes me even more depressed.. it also causes me to overthink even more, afraid maybe i wont end up getting married at that age.
there are moments in my life where i have felt maybe life isnt too bad, it does get better, with online lovers that eventually never work out in the end, but at least ive given myself some experience of what its like to be in love.
i'll keep holding on and ive got big dreams ahead. i just wanted to say im still alive and im not dead. LOL. i wish u all the best. xoxo
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