Making Changes
I posted this on the board but wanted to expand here.
At church this weekend the priest talked about lent and how its really not about giving something up but rather about being empathetic for others and doing something to make things better. Do for someone else. It got me thinking that what if I switched places and put myself in my husbands shoes,thought about what it must be like for him, really try and understand his pain and see where we are at Easter. It may be what forgiveness is all about. He heard the same message and is going to try as well. I've found that since the A the focus has been on me, my healing, what my H can do to make it better, and what we can do to work on our marriage. When we work as a team life couldn't be better but when we start having the "I" creep in that's where the sadness and anger come in. We start taking what each other says as a criticism and take it personally, when we think like a team or think about the other person then we know that they're not saying it to hurt us (I'm talking about those times in normal conversation when a fight starts because something was taken the wrong way).
I orignally said on the board that I'm wondering what other things we can do to take the focus off of the BS but I really think that it's more about taking the focus off of us as a person and putting it onto others. When I do that I find the A isn't on my mind and when I am truly happy. Now, the big question has always been how to do that consistently, without thinking I'm letting my H off the hook. In theory I think I'm finally getting to a place where I can be more empathetic to him but there's a part of me that is afraid he's going to forget. I know he'll never forget so I don't know why I'm afraid.
At church this weekend the priest talked about lent and how its really not about giving something up but rather about being empathetic for others and doing something to make things better. Do for someone else. It got me thinking that what if I switched places and put myself in my husbands shoes,thought about what it must be like for him, really try and understand his pain and see where we are at Easter. It may be what forgiveness is all about. He heard the same message and is going to try as well. I've found that since the A the focus has been on me, my healing, what my H can do to make it better, and what we can do to work on our marriage. When we work as a team life couldn't be better but when we start having the "I" creep in that's where the sadness and anger come in. We start taking what each other says as a criticism and take it personally, when we think like a team or think about the other person then we know that they're not saying it to hurt us (I'm talking about those times in normal conversation when a fight starts because something was taken the wrong way).
I orignally said on the board that I'm wondering what other things we can do to take the focus off of the BS but I really think that it's more about taking the focus off of us as a person and putting it onto others. When I do that I find the A isn't on my mind and when I am truly happy. Now, the big question has always been how to do that consistently, without thinking I'm letting my H off the hook. In theory I think I'm finally getting to a place where I can be more empathetic to him but there's a part of me that is afraid he's going to forget. I know he'll never forget so I don't know why I'm afraid.
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It\'s normal to be afraid. We all feel on some level that if we get on with our lives, embrace the present, embrace our renewed marriage, in some way, we are letting them \"get away\" with what they did. We know logically that is not what we are doing. We know logically that they didn\'t get away with anything, that they\'ve forever altered the perception and conception we had of them. We know logically that they will never forget the intense pain and harm they\'ve inflicted upon us. We also know logically that we want joy and peace and we don\'t want to dwell in this forever. The trouble is convincing our hearts of all of this. The simple truth is that time will allow for that.
As for shifting the focus off ourselves, yep, absolutely essential. I am so grateful that I do what I do for a living because I am given the opportunity to help others on a daily basis. Furthermore, it really helps to put things in perspective for me.
The important thing now is for you two to keep reminding each other that you are a team, that you are not each other\'s enemy, nor are you each other\'s competition. During the last nasty argument that E and I had (which I believe surrounded the whole \"pants\" incident), we were both yelling at each other about how lucky the other was to have us. I then proceeded to remind him how I almost left him years ago and then how I could have easily left him after dday. He reminded me of all the essential things he does and how I\'d have to assume all of those responsibilities. Then I fired back about everything I did that was essential. Then, he stopped, held me and said, \"Honey. We have to stop. We are both lucky to have each other and we are a team.\" That snapped me out of the yelling and anger. As much as I do still believe that he\'s lucky he didn\'t lose me (and so does he, trust me), I also know that I love and need him too. He is my partner in life. I lean on him for everything. I do a lot, but so does he. We are a team. You and your H are a team. Try to focus on that. There is no \"I\" in team! lol