Making an effort
Several people have recommended journaling to me. When I was younger I loved to write letters and did keep a journal off and on. My husband went to be with Jesus last September. He had been sick for a while. In 2012 he was diagnosed with a second kind of cancer, prostate. He had been diagnosed in 2006 with B-cell Lymphoma, non-Hodgkins, stage 4, and he beat it! Also in 2012 he had an AICD put in. He was a heart patient, kidney patient, diabetic, and cancer patient. My husband's body was sick but his mind and spirit were full of life. He was only 66 years old when he died. He had retired in May and was enjoying working for a friend of his. My husband was great at his work and he was an all around great guy, which is why I am sad...I miss him so much. I am a Christian so I know where my husband went. He told me, his daughter and some friends of ours that he was ready to go. He told me that he was happy and that he was ready. So many times during our 16 years of marriage my husband had come close to dying but he always recovered. I was totally expecting him to this last time...and he didn't. He was suffering; he told me that he was tired of hurting and being in pain. It was truly a blessing that Jesus called him home; however, while my husband was ready, I was not. My biggest problem right now other than I miss him is that I still can't believe that he is really gone. My head knows the truth but my heart still hurts. Although I am saved, I feel totally lost. Life is lacking purpose and joy. I feel incomplete, like half of me is missing (and the better half at that!) I ask God why he took my husband and not me. I know I am here for a reason but I don't even know who I am anymore. None of my friends want to listen; they all want to talk and make it better. I am embarrassed to cry in front of anyone so I feel stuck. I have tried a support group at a church and individual counseling without feeling much relief. I pray that journaling and this online support group helps. I know God and time will help, but some days I just don't believe I am going to make it through. I miss you sweetheart, and I will always love you.
Replies
I lost my husband to leukemia after a 50 yr. marriage. Believe me, your feelings expressed here are exactly what I felt. If grief support and counseling haven\'t helped much, they might later on. I wrote some in my DS journal, and also wrote in a private journal for the first year. It wasn\'t every day - but the need to express feelings was helped when I wrote them. I put this together in a binder and called it \"Missing Frank: My First Year as a Widow.\" I still read it occasionally, and remember how much pain I was in. I am so glad you are a Christian; having that faith means so much. He didn\'t say our lives would be free of pain, but that HE WILL BE WITH US through all of it. I also felt that my life was without purpose at first, and my worst time of the week was Sunday afternoons. It seemed the pain inside me was never going to end.
I have no magic words -- I can tell you how I made it through. I counted my blessings daily - home, car, family, gas money---whatever. some people have a \"gratitude list\" and add to it daily. I accepted invitations to lunch or whatever, even if I didn\'t want to go. I think getting out and being with people helped me. I continued going to our church of many years, and took some trips with the church group. Nothing removes the loss and emptiness, but positive steps do help. I redecorated my bedroom where he died, and also our small den. I put new furniture in the den, new pictures etc. I could not stand his empty chair, so got it out of the house. Everyone\'s different -- some can\'t bear to part with things like that. Take good care of yourself physically and don\'t try to think too far ahead. My favorite scripture is Psalm 46:10 \"Be still and know that I am God.\" Sometimes that\'s all we can do. Just ask Him to give you courage and strength as you go through this hard journey. I will pray for you.
Wishing you peace -
Doye
Read your journal entry and I have been and contiue to be most of the places you have. I sometimes feel like being a Christian makes this journey more difficult at times. Our faith tells us that we should be happy and looking forward but our lonliness and longing for what is lost often gets in the way of that. Like doyew said there is no magic that can transport us beyond where we currently reside. I\'ve found the only constants in this journey are faith, time and perseverance. As for the rest, we are all different. To move forward we must each look for things that work for us. Just because we try one thing and it doesn\'t work out, we can\'t let that stop us from seekingbecause eventually we will find things that work for us. Don\'t be satisfied with the first thing that helps . I never was much on writing but in the weeks after my wife died I found her journals and that inspired me to try that. It\'s been extremly helpful even though at times it\'s a struggle. I tried several support groups but haven\'t found one that fits me. Individual grief therapy has been extremely helpful for me as have art and cooking classes that I\'ve been taking. Keep trying to find a group, therapist or activities that work for you. Church is a great place to start but don\'t stop there. Looking towards YOUR future after the years of WE is daunting but that\'s where the perseverance comes in. Never be embarrassed to cry. Hollar at God if you need to. He\'s a big guy, he loves you and he can take it. David and Job and my Dad have been my good examples. Understand that your friends don\'t get it and might not ever. Don\'t let them dictate how you should feel and actively look for new friends, ones that understand accept you and have your back. They are out there. Perseverance again. Keep your eyes open for God\'s blessing. They may come in forms you\'d least expect but they\'ll come.
tableforone thank you very much for your reply; you are very encouraging. I am trying to move on. Thanks again.