Making an effort

I guess I am realizing more and more that my husband is happy and the only way I'm going to be happy is if I make the effort. I have an okay house, enough money, a small truck, dogs and cats, great friends and relatives, but I have to be willing to try new things and reach out. I have started Sacred Harp singing, (love it!), entered a weaving in the county fair (3rd place, but there's always next year) renewed my studies of Chinese and my ongoing studies of Spanish and French (languages are my thing). When I don't use the self discipline to make myself try and do new things or keep up the old ones I get depressed and sink into my recliner becoming more and more despairing. I hate this because I have to try all the time. I want it to be like when he was alive and we were in our own little happy place just sitting around reading library books and watching Netflix. And, oh.. I have to be very careful about what I read or watch, because with a terminally sick neighbor, a frail father-in-law, an ill brother-in-law and a friend with dementia, I don't need anything negative or depressing. Also, hot weather has never been my friend...
So it is try, try, try. Sometimes I get tired and angry but I see no recourse to making the effort. Life isn't going to come knocking on my door with a better offer. I am happy I have people I can help out from time to time. It really helps me get out of myself, but I don't want to become Ms. Superhelper. I need time to pursue my dreams, if only I could figure out what they are. My lfe really is as good as I make it from day to day. The key is not to have such big expectations of myself that I'll always do things perfectly, or that I'll ever stop feeling the pain of J's loss. Our 20th wedding anniversary is on Wednesday. We had hoped to renew vows in New Zealand this year. Oh well, no point going into what might have been. I'm glad my husband didn't see the horrible mess the economy is in and all the problems in Congress. 
Focus on the positive and keep making the effort.
I'm grateful for 
peach pie
tomatoes and peppers
friends and family
Sacred Harp Sings
cool showers at the end of hot, sticky days
knowing I loved him as best I could and he loved me the same
knowing I'll see him again
DS!!!!! You guys get it!