Making a Difference....or...Come Back, Pink Cloud....

Feeling much better physically as the headache is pretty much gone!  Have been feeling depressed and isolated....as the "pink cloud" of my first few months of elation from being GF is seemingly blowing somewhere else just now!  I'm hoping for a change in the wind to blow it back this way LOL.  I ran into a friend from an archeology trip I took a couple of years ago yesterday, and it was so great sitting and hanging out with coffee for a while.  I just didn't do that anymore when I was gambling....I want to really renew and develop some real friendships again.  I have hidden and isolated myself from people who really care for me....ashamed of what I was doing to myself....and just not willing to take any real time away from gambling. I'm doing some reading that talks about loving ourselves in the way we've always wanted others to love us....doing for and guiding ourselves....and just not listening to that voice that tries to drag us down.....that is a tall order, but I'm going to work on it! :-) I went back to one of my journals from February....and found this list of things I came up with that I want to do: "Maybe now I can go see the Hearst Castle, lie on the beach at Pismo, check out the aquarium in Monterey, hang out in San Francisco, spend some time breathing in the pine-scented air with my favorite giant sequoia in Sequoia State Park, visit favorite animals at the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park (used to live there and go every week), drive the coast from Carmel to Big Sur, start playing guitar again, join a group, take some voice lessons, visit my reclaimed family (I was adopted and found my birth family last September- I was raised an only child but now find I have 4 brothers and sisters!), plan my dream trip to Asia, take a vacation in Maui, learn to pan for gold, ride my bike, get a motorcycle again, support a poor child, climb Mount Everest (or at least trek in the Himalayas), buy my Mom a new wardrobe (she loves clothes!), pay for a class my friend needs, fix the little dings in my car, spend a day at a spa, get a head to toe massage, go on an archeology trip, take some  classes, improve my Spanish, see the Copper Canyon, climb the temples at Palenque, spend a week at a meditation center, redecorate my place, read some great books.........maybe I can get excited about learning to save and invest money instead of spending it...LOL.....so many things that require time and money that my gambling sucked up.....I want to be able to enjoy life and find pleasure again in anything and everything other than gambling!  It's funny how everything else lost all meaning and enjoyment while I was in the death grip of the addiction...." I think it is time to make things happen.....at least make a start at that list....but....whew!...that list ought to keep me busy for awhile :) On another level, I just want to start making my day to day life NOW a better place.....a place where I spend time and energy on what REALLY makes me happy....on friendships with people who offer me something real in return....and in trying to make a difference in my world in meaningful ways.... I am told that once the honeymoon period of quitting gambling is over....emotions start to emerge that were stuffed down or numbed out before.....so I am sure my mood changes and vulnerability this week are a normal part of recovery.  That said, I accept them....and will work through them.....but I sure miss that pink cloud! Wishing everyone here hope, strength, friendship, and love to help you on your journey.....