Make your mind up!

I keep swinging from eating everything I'm supposed to in the day, the six meals a day (ED unit schedule) - to freaking out about it and hardly eating at all. It's really bad and I'm finding it hard to break this cycle. It's really not healthy, physically or psychologically! I've made a goal now to keep track on here, hoping that if others are able to see how I'm doing, it might encourage me to keep it up. I ordered shopping for my Mum earlier in the week and ordered a few things for myself in the hope it'll spur me on. I think I stand more chance of sticking to the plan if I eat lower calorie meals but regular. Maybe that will help with the guilty feelings after. As long as I don't start to lose weight on it, it should be ok. Trouble is I deal with the guilt by either as I said, restricting and exercising / self harm and feeling really depressed or i'll punish myself by bingeing. It's like it kills two birds with one stone. I've probably just come out of a restrictive diet so I'm still craving and so I just binge, but at the same time I hate myself for doing it but will purposely carry on so that the next day I'll completely freak and will have the motivation to restrict again. This seems to happen everytime I 'allow myself' to start eating again. It's like I unconciously sabotage it everytime and I don't know how to stop. It makes me scared to start again because I don't want to end up doing this again. Especially as I've never been able to make myself sick...so if I binge, there's no going back. No way to get rid and the weight goes one. At the moment these cycles are balancing themeselves out because I've maintained.Any advice? Relate?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m glad you can\'t make yourself sick. Don\'t even try it is so dangerous.
Sabotaging is exactly what ED does best and it sounds like he has wrapped you around his little finger. The best thing to do here is to just follow your six time a day mealplan eating the required cals and not ordering any low cal food. Your mom is not really setting an example here for you.
I know the mealplan is crushing but it will prevent you from binging which adds even more cals. Try seeing your mealplan as medicine. That\'s what they told me in IP and it helped.