Make the best of the holidays...
So, I emailed my significant other on Saturday, and told him I was dreading to come see him for the weekend because I just didnt have it in me to fight or be upset or have another weekend where I am crying out of frustration because he tells me I dont love and care about him enough, and I have done everything I can to show that I do.
He emailed back, and was able to confort me enough to decide it may just be a good weekend afterall and we will enjoy it. I went over there and a couple hours later we went out to pick up a hot comodity video game we both played as kids (Super Mario Brother All Stars for Wii) and then to my house to pick up the Wii. When he got into my house his feelings got hurt because he saw I took the love letters he wrote me down. I told him that I took them down the last time we broke up (during the summer). The entire time he was standing there pouting so I told him to 'stop it'. That was when everything blew up... I dont love him and I am not sensitive of his feelings, and I shouldnt tell him to stop it because I hurt his feelings and I should console him. He is right, I probably should have.. but I think I have heard the whiny stuff so long that I just get frustrated everytime it starts.. its like 'this again?'.
So yeah, the weekend was almost ruined, he pouted all the way back to his house, and laid into me when we got there about how cold and heartless I was because I told him to stop feeling hurt. I got upset, and threw his key at him, and said I am done. I dont want to do this anymore. Its the same thing every weekend. I have to hear how heartless I am, I have to hear what the newest thing is I have done to hurt your feelings. If you are so unhappy with me why are you still with me? He tried to stop me from leaving, and then we he saw I was determined to go, he went and got the presents for my daughter and me that were for christmas and gave them to me. This broke my heart and brought my frustration levels down, and I stayed and we talked about an hour. We did make up, but I feel like I am still just prolonging the inevitable...
I always feel like its going to be this way, there will always be something. But I figure I would wait until after the holidays to revisit this ending the relationship ordeal. I want everyone to at least have a nice holiday, and not be miserable or hurt on Christmas Eve/Day.
So that is where it stands for now....
He emailed back, and was able to confort me enough to decide it may just be a good weekend afterall and we will enjoy it. I went over there and a couple hours later we went out to pick up a hot comodity video game we both played as kids (Super Mario Brother All Stars for Wii) and then to my house to pick up the Wii. When he got into my house his feelings got hurt because he saw I took the love letters he wrote me down. I told him that I took them down the last time we broke up (during the summer). The entire time he was standing there pouting so I told him to 'stop it'. That was when everything blew up... I dont love him and I am not sensitive of his feelings, and I shouldnt tell him to stop it because I hurt his feelings and I should console him. He is right, I probably should have.. but I think I have heard the whiny stuff so long that I just get frustrated everytime it starts.. its like 'this again?'.
So yeah, the weekend was almost ruined, he pouted all the way back to his house, and laid into me when we got there about how cold and heartless I was because I told him to stop feeling hurt. I got upset, and threw his key at him, and said I am done. I dont want to do this anymore. Its the same thing every weekend. I have to hear how heartless I am, I have to hear what the newest thing is I have done to hurt your feelings. If you are so unhappy with me why are you still with me? He tried to stop me from leaving, and then we he saw I was determined to go, he went and got the presents for my daughter and me that were for christmas and gave them to me. This broke my heart and brought my frustration levels down, and I stayed and we talked about an hour. We did make up, but I feel like I am still just prolonging the inevitable...
I always feel like its going to be this way, there will always be something. But I figure I would wait until after the holidays to revisit this ending the relationship ordeal. I want everyone to at least have a nice holiday, and not be miserable or hurt on Christmas Eve/Day.
So that is where it stands for now....
Replies
Tada! You have just completed, yet another, vicious, abusive cycle. What I read is:
Hesitation on your part to even see him because you know how this will go, yet you get pulled in because he \"guilts\" you into being with him.
You don\'t love and care about him enough? Because you want to take time for yourself, and avoid another argument? Hmm. I see him not letting you stay away from him for too long, otherwise you\'ll see how much better off you\'ll be without him.
You were \"rewarded\" for giving into him by spending time with the irresistable him. Of course, with an abuser, the peaceful times cannot last too long, hence, the blow up. No letters? How dare you? It\'s \"proof\" that you don\'t really love and care about him! REALLY?! Is he really that insecure? Or can he just not resist pushing your buttons, keeping you confused, and training you to cater to his every need. After all, this is all about you not doing enough for him.
You broke a sacred rule, apparently, because YOU told HIM how to feel. All the while not noticing, since he stirred things up to a heated frenzy, that HE\"S been telling you how to feel, how to treat him, and advising you to drop everything for him.
He knows exactly your trigger words that will send you into a tizzy. That would be: You\'re not caring, loving, which would mean that you must be heartless, and cruel. Are you? I doubt it.
Then he blocks your exit. Classic.
Then he quickly turns things around (btw, what he caused to begin with) by offering gifts for your daughter (how sweet) and, again, offers you a \"reward\" for staying and making nice, by giving you an hour of his less dramatic time.
He wins! He knows how to make you feel guilty; he knows how to manipulate you into something you don\'t want to do (go see him, because you\'d rather take care of yourself and have some peace); he\'s telling you over and over again that he is a bottomless pit of needs, and that you should do everything you can to \"not\" upset him, take care of him, as he monopolizes your time, steals your peace, and causes you frustration, and pain; when he\'s gone \"too far\" he turns on a dime, and rewards you with \"normal\"; and to prove to you how much you should take care of him, his needs, and his feeling, he pouts like a little kid not getting his way. Got news for you hun, NO ONE will EVER be able to fill that bottomless pit.
He\'s training you. I\'m sorry if this is too harsh, but this pushes my buttons. My H did/does exactly the same things, and now I\'m sitting here 12 years later, partially disabled from stress, no money, and no where to go. I am his hostage, and he loves to tell me what a loser I am, how much I use him, how I don\'t and never did care about him, how lazy and worthless me AND my kids are, as well as tantrums by slamming things and screaming at me because HE either doesn\'t want to be bothered with ANYTHING I say, or, God forbid, I\'m smarter about something than him.
My 25 year old daughter and I, had a lengthy conversation about him last night and about how abusive he was to her and how he\'s made are lives hell just by his very existence. Do you want to have that conversation with your daughter when she\'s 25?
Lastly, if I ever try to leave him he will freak, and I know I have to leave the state and get as far away as possible. And just to prove to me that I will never be able to leave, he has control of all the assets and money.
Basically, he hates and resents me, but could never deal with the thought of me leaving... especially if it was for another man. He\'s perfect, and I\'m lucky to have him (according to him).
If you have to wait the holidays to get rid of him, then do what you gotta do, but if you have any chance at all of getting away, and staying away from this guy, DO IT! Do it for your daughter, at the very least, she doesn\'t deserve what he will dish out over time. I will now and forever live with the guilt of bringing this man into my children\'s lives.