I keep thinking, "If only..." At first it was, "If only one thing had changed that night, the next day even, she wouldn't be dead right now." I had chances to change the outcome, and I didn't take them. Slowly, I've had to accept that she had chances too, and neither of us knew the consequences of our actions. Those thoughts have morphed into "If only she would come back to me" and "If only I could change the past." Fantasies and delusions of her suddenly showing up out of nowhere, alive and well. That's why suicide is an attractive option. Maybe in another life, we could be together again.