Made It To Wednesday
Thought I lost something today. Something that Abby gave me. It's amazing how a little thing that you use every day without a thought can become so important when it's suddenly missing. In those few minutes I remembered when she gave it to me and why and even what she said, or I think I do anyway. I found it but I was amazed at the memories it scared up.
My jaw is still bothering me quite a bit, I have TMJ, and I think it may be related to this whole process I seem to be going through. I find myself clenching my teeth a lot and the crying sometimes makes my throat hurt, not to mention eyes, nose, etc. I think I have a lot of anger not just sadness. There is a longing kind of loneliness that leads me down dangerous paths. I wonder how long I can make it? Someone at work was making plans for New Year's Eve today and I was filled with fear and dread. I hadn't even thought about New Year's. How am I going to ignore that? Where will I hide?
I keep getting surprised by bills that Abby put on automatic renewal. She knew better than that, I wonder how she got conned? So far no one's given me a hard time about any of them. Good thing because sometimes I feel like I might explode at any second. I'm not real clear what I'm angry about, everything and nothing at the same time. The injustice of it all I guess, the unfairness, the randomness. I was the one who lived the dissolute life. I was the one destined to die young. I was okay with that but not this. I guess my karma is not as exemplary as I dreamed
My jaw is still bothering me quite a bit, I have TMJ, and I think it may be related to this whole process I seem to be going through. I find myself clenching my teeth a lot and the crying sometimes makes my throat hurt, not to mention eyes, nose, etc. I think I have a lot of anger not just sadness. There is a longing kind of loneliness that leads me down dangerous paths. I wonder how long I can make it? Someone at work was making plans for New Year's Eve today and I was filled with fear and dread. I hadn't even thought about New Year's. How am I going to ignore that? Where will I hide?
I keep getting surprised by bills that Abby put on automatic renewal. She knew better than that, I wonder how she got conned? So far no one's given me a hard time about any of them. Good thing because sometimes I feel like I might explode at any second. I'm not real clear what I'm angry about, everything and nothing at the same time. The injustice of it all I guess, the unfairness, the randomness. I was the one who lived the dissolute life. I was the one destined to die young. I was okay with that but not this. I guess my karma is not as exemplary as I dreamed
Replies
I am finding that anger is all apart of the grieving process. But who to be angry with? Life I guess. Yes, the injustice and unfairness of it all. Funny, whenever my kids would say \"That\'s not fair\" I would say to them, well, life isn\'t fair and if someone told you it was, they were wrong\". How prophetic those hollow words are now to me.
I always thought I would die before my husband. But you know what? In some small way I\'m glad it was not me first - not because I am afraid of dying but because I would never want him to feel what I am feeling. That would kill me - him hurting so.
Blessings,
Linda
This sounds so much like me in the early days...I guess all of us have felt these same feelings. I remember reading posts by people who were just a few months ahead of me on this path and thinking I would NEVER get to the point where I could function so \"normal.\" But, I finally have. I don\'t think there is a magic timeline, but my turning point was around 8 months and I think it had a lot to do with all the other stuff going on in my life. Now, I am just past 9 months and starting to feel like I can go on living. I still miss him terribly and get very lonely, but finally feel like I can live and not just survive.
I hope the rest of the week is better for you
Thinking of you today
Angie
I am sorry you lost Abby-- I can hear your pain in your post
I was struck be your \"New Years \" comment. I posted a discussion point today about how hard the holi-DAZE and New Years is going to be. Kev always mad a point of meeting up with me ( even if he was working ) and making sure we Kissed at 12 midnight,. he was so gentle and thoughtful- I dont understand my someone like THAT would be taken with so suddenly and young --- I don\'t want to deal with the pain that I KNOW will be there, But i cant hide either,. My instincts are telling me I will have to do \'emotional battle with myself\' and those horrible \"longing feelings that night\' ( ugh!!!!-) Im already fragile- what the heck am i going to do with that !!!??? I\'m so hurt , .... and am I angry??? ..You Better believe I AM! so unfair.
wishing you some peace ~~~ ~~~ especially over the next few months!