Made it through Thanksgiving

Well I made it through Thanksgiving way better than expected. It was way better than I expected. We cooked and had people over. We talked and laughed so it kept me busy. It helps a lot to be busy and not to sit idle. I have to get up out the bed as early as possible so I won't sit there and do nothing for more than 2 minutes. Its driving my gf crazy.  Kids seem to like it though since I'm in the family room early and they can come sit with me :). l sit out on the porch often after getting up to just clear my mind. Funny I can't be inside idle but I can sit outside alone listening to the wind or birds while playing a game on my phone just fine. Its my time to think and all my time to myself. No one wondering whats wrong or anything I love it. I wish I had more days off to just sit out there and relax. I so wish I had a whole week or so off to just sit out there and think and get my thoughts together. I am sick of crying, I'm sick of having bad days. I miss my mom so much. I wish I could talk to her, see her, anything! I want to scream but hell there is not a damn thing I can do. I have to live my life and just get the hell over it. I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to think about it. I want to drink and let my day go by happily. I was so close to getting everything together. So, close what happened? I have to get it back together. I can't cry today, I can't cry tomorrow. I just need to get it together. I ned to find a way to get it together!!