made it through another day

Today was so awkward that I do not know how I made it through the day!
I went to my cousins house to celebrate his son's 3rd birthday. When I got there it was sooo awkward...the first thing out of their mouths after hello was we're expecting again. It's a boy! I thought that my insides were going to collapse and all I wanted to do was leave. To top it off, all the people there had kids with them and totally ignored my attempts at small talk. They seemed very dismissive, but maybe it was me...since I felt awkward maybe it showed through the fake smiles.
I mouth really hurts from trying to force a smile and polite conversation. At least no one asked if I had kids. Unfortunately DH could not go, so I guess people thought that I was single and did not think about asking.
I just observed the interactions for three hours then I left. I came home and cried because it was so wonderful to see families all happy and getting along, and here we are without kids and no close relatives. For the first time in a long time I had to take a hard look at our situation. Sometimes I try to day dream about what life would be like with kids or if we won the lottery, however the harsh reality that I have a small and ever shrinking family is sad. I feel like I can not dream anymore. I guess I should read a self help book and get over myself!
Well I am tired! after a nice glass of sherry I think that I will turn in for the night.