Made it through another day

I spent too long, again, having to work on the car and ended up running late to work. I get stressed out by that, not even so much about worrying about losing the job as wanting to do a good job. However you want to look at it, though, the presses seem to run late so I couldn't have started much earlier anyway. But I started with no brakes, because I  had no tubing the proper diameter to bleed them so I had to do some more monkeying around to get hydraulic pressure back to drive safely, at least. Then some loud noises, which turned out to be the lug nuts trying to come loose and let the wheel fall off. I don't mind working hard, but it is sort of hard to deal with when no lasting results.
Started thinking how crazy "it" really is ... I know I'm overtired at times, stressed out ... if I don't do the car thing right and something goes wrong and somebody gets killed, where does the responsibility lie? Should I just give in, give up, wait for the inevitable? Maybe I should ask my attorney who would be liable? I'd really be interested in the legal logic and reasoning, I found out he is still gambling ... lottery tix, but says he can't buy insulin. So his mother bought it. And his mother provides him a nice, safe vehicle to drive. And his mother makes it possible for him to dodge his responsibilities as husband and father. when he stopped to get the bicycle, he asked WHY I (had) wanted to sit down with the pastor or someone with us. Was it about reconciliation? I told him no, it was to prevent the conversation from deteriorating as it ALWAYS does. I tried to say a few things and I finally just pointed out that I had not had the opportunity to finish one thing I tried to say.
I was stirred up enough (and I notice it stirs up certain things, things I need to just work out n therapy and inside) but I know "public image" is #1 and so I posted on my FB. First, because I know he does track it. But those posts I don't put up for my daughters to see. I feel ashamed to be associated with them at all; I always think of Mayella Ewell from "To Kill a Mockingbird" nowadays when I get down and that isn't very motivating. But it seems reversed, to me. I lived in the projects when I was little and I watched my father build a business from the ground up, later lose it and yet he got up and did it again. And I know my family was dysfunctional, especially in certain times, but I really appreciate the being forced to take responsibility, clean up my own messes and be accountable for my word. Here it is just everyone destroying, never considering the effects on others and they are never around to fix what they broke. Or apologize.
I go to therapy today; think I will just take the dr. some of my recent writing to let him see where my head is. Sometimes, it sort of "blows my mind" because someone will say something or do something extraordinarily kind, encouraging, understanding and I will think I really must be harping on ... and probably am. I see places and things I repeat over and over. Whether it is just that, especially now, they strike me as so outrageous (what kind of grandma says, mommy is going to kill you OR what kind of father coerces children to write letters to the Court in the first place, but seriously, coercing and coaching?) or maybe the totality of the meaning (it's evil in motion) hits me ... I don't know. I don't want to stay stuck. But the other side is that for the most part, people "around" me for the most part either totally ignore the whole thing- no that is what they do. I begin to see how easily Nazism and other evils take root and spread .... for it is only necessary that the good stay silent and uninvolved ... for evil to prevail. Bit of a paraphrase, but same drift.
Oh and one other thing I have noticed ... they say dogs and their owners begin to resemble each other, etc. I was thinking back to when I first came back, and probably before. But anyway, I have noticed he (who used to be very contemptuous and derogatory toward his mother) seems to have worsened and I notice he sounds like her more and more. Even to the extent of thinking certain "types" of people are special. They are funny like that ... his mother sent me down to the same doctor we still go to 20 years later, but she now hates him and was always telling me how he doesn't take good care of people and blah blah blah. She never has gone there, so I don't even know what it's all about. Maybe because he has never seen a reason to lock me up in the funny farm on their whim? Haha, that's funny, actually, because he did try that once. I ended up spending a coupe hours talking with the nurses and then the doctor, no appointment and they never even charged for it. They have been very good about seeing us through this crisis, spending extra time, especially with my younger daughter, who's had a rough go of it. And being gentle and attentive to her as a person. I've really appreciated them for that.
But getting back to my point, just seems N types can REALLY be affected by others' perceptions and probably, comparisons between people that are based on distortions more so than reality. I would guess it's also a reflection of  emptiness inside ... I remember I used to view my career more in terms of "providing" a big chunk of my self-identity. I felt lost, actually, when for the first time in my life I wasn't working and doing. For some people it's their clothing and "things", for others the types they are seen with, other people put their identity into the environment that they live in ... some people have the whole mix just about right. Just seems that some people set them into tangents of behavior that past routines don't work with them anymore. Almost like someone flipped a switch.
Time to wind it up for the moment. I guess I do learn things about myself (or remind myself) by finding where I get triggered. I even ask myself if this is some sort of script I "chose" so that I can feel like the "good guy" the "virtuous" one in the end of it all. If that IS so, that is one costly, foolish script. I can think of many better endings that I could have been even a "better guy" in the end, so I'm sort of hesitant on that ... especially since I feel more ashamed, weak, stupid to have been caught in what has been a deliberate trap at times.
Oh, and the pastor did leave a message although left for a trip; offering help with car 'cause I guess he saw it all caddywanpus in the drive. Didn't get that message til really late though. I'm going to ask around, though because I'm betting that somebody at least will know somebody who could at least look things over if I have the car prepped for it. And going to hit the salvage yard and get a few more "frequent parts" that cost a lot on the retail market. But I will go prepared with LOTS of WD-40 and tools this time!