made it through!

Hi everyone, well I made it through my second Thanksgiving since my beloved son Eddie went home to be with the Lord. I must say that the holiday was less painful than last year but I, to be honest did not feel much. I would describe the day as "colorless". I brought my mother some turkey that I had made Sunday when my grandchildren came for dinner and also the trimmings. I "visited" with her for about an hour and a half. Its in quotes because its not a true visit ever as my mother is usually demanding and difficult. She was OK though yesterday. She was v ery focused on watching the parades on TV so she didn't criticize or complain as much so I'm grateful for that, lol!
Then Ken & I, my DIL& grandchildren went to the cemetery. Of course we all sobbed and I sid to Joshua, " yeah, I keep waiting for this to get easier!" He agreed, its still pretty awful. Christina left autumn flowers for her Dad and Joshua, always the wonderful older brother, hugged her tight and comforted her. I told them Daddy is so proud since they continue to support each other.
Then I went to my son's friend's house for dessert. This friend, Donna, was very close to Ed. They did not have a romantic relationship, just great friends. Donna's mom passed 5 years ago @ age 55 from cancer. Ed was Donna's support system. I got very close to Donna too through that ordeal. Donna has a young son who she's asked me to be Grammy to &so I went to visit yesterday cuz baby Walter (he's 2) needs to have a visit from his Gram on Thanksgiving. It was a good visit. Donna is missing her mom & I was missing my son, but we shared some laughs, (Donna's husband is a riot) and of course Walter is a love!
So overall, not a great holiday, but at least peaceful. One thing I am grateful for is that recently I've felt a shift in my journey. For about the last 2 months my dreams have been more pleasant. Prior to that every night I would have nightmares. Usually of death, or calling to Eddie & he couldn't hear me eTc. They were awful! I would cry in my sleep & wake up sobbing. Then try to go to work all shaken. Lately I've been dreaming about beautiful gardens. Don't know why & don't care. I'll take these pleasant images any day!
I also feel over the last couple of months I have begun to integrate Ed's passing into my life. I can talk about him often without wanting to just curl into a ball & die. Again, it my not be much to someone who hasn't lost a child but to me its huge! I know all of you understand.
I also feel blessed to be able to reach out to others. I am at a stage where I can truly say to other moms that it gets easier. Eddie has taught me that & I must learn what I can through this process. I heard a quote recently that is powerful for me. "When you lose, don't lose the lesson."
Thank you God for my son and the years I had with him. Please tel Eddie I love him and always will.
Eddie, thank you for teaching me all I've learned in the last year. I was you first teacher and now I am your student. I love and miss you more than words can express. Mom

Replies

Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Oh, Linda... your words at the end of you being Eddie\'s first teacher and now you are the student are so insightful. I\'m with you as this was our third without our Doug and always missing him yet looking at the love around my table with my beautiful daughter, her amazing husband, my two grandies who are my healers and of course my incredible husband. The intergration is happening for me as well that you mention and it\'s not more or less of one feeling than the other... for me, it\'s a blending into perhaps the creation of something new? It cannot be rushed and seems to take on a life of its own most days. Sending you lots of love the \"day after\" and appreciate your journal so much today. It speaks to my heart! Much love and continued healing for all of us. Joanie
ColleenF
ColleenF

I\'m glad you had a peaceful day yesterday. Teri used to journal about how when Kala passed she lost the colors from her rainbow. They all came back, or mostly??? But it took a very long time. Perhaps she might have some lessons in finding the colors. I love you. Colleen
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

I am so glad you had a peaceful Thanksgiving. I can understand your comment about Eddie teaching you. Lisa was a teacher to us before she passed and after.
How wonderful that you are having pleasant dreams. May they continue!
Hugs,
Marlene
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

I love the vision of a child who is gone from life being very much a part of your journey as you learn to live again. Also I\'m sorry about the colorless Thanksgiving and feel somewhat the same. I cried a lot in the days before, so maybe I was a bit numb by the time we sat down to say grace and eat.
Tea and hugs,
Sarah
biowoman
biowoman

There will be colors again Linda. This is something I have learned through this journey....\"colorless\" explains the early recovery period...but gradually a new way to look at the world emerges...Eddie will continue to teach you many things...and what you learn you will share with others...I can see that in you...helping...holding the hands of the new moms...you are a true blessing. Love to you...Karen
momjmc
momjmc

Glad to hear your day was peaceful. It was my second without Jason and it was peaceful enough. Food was yummy and spur-of-the-moment bonfire was great but it\'s the holiday Jason loved most and so will always be difficult.
Love, prayers, and hugs, Sharon
deleted_user
deleted_user

oh so true, Linda.....you are an inspiration to me. I needed to hear these very words today. I am thankful you have come to that place of being able to help others, too. There are lessons in all of this....painful as they are. I hope you continue to gain strength and wisdom for the rest of your days. The day after T\'day is my worst for some reason. I stayed in bed all day long and felt angry and sad......today was better.....just a very frantic journey....never seeming to be stable....God bless all of us....love to you and your Eddie....dale, brandon\'s mom