Mad as a hatter.
The last time you we're in the hospital our dog died, Then you died 5 weeks later, and 2 days ago our cat died. Now I'm dead and I want to beat the living shit out of someone or something. People need to stop telling me what my future holds, and everything will be ok. IT'S NOT! I'm tired of it all! I could break my computer while typing this! I'M MAD! Why did You have to take him!? Why couldn't You let me stay happy and secure and loved!? So what is this plan You have for me. Am I supposed to help people and animals die for the rest of my life!? Where is my comfort? Who will help me? What now?! I'm begging You, comfort me, help me, take me home.
Replies
Sometimes we just don\'t know why this much suffering happens. Not sure this is any comfort. Our neighbor\'s cat died yesterday and my wife liked that cat. I am thinking of them both meeting in Heaven now. May peace be with you soon. Tiger
Tiger, you are a sweet heart. Thank you, for always being there for me and everyone here. I thought about deleting this entry but decided I\'d leave it because it\'s real and honest. I like your thought about the cat and your beloved wife. Hugs to you, Kim
Kim . . please don\'t give up. So much loss, so much suffering. I understand your anger!! My biggest struggle through grief has been my anger. Go beat the shit out of something, break some dishes or glasses. I once took a baseball bat to my park bench and beat it to smithereens. Yes, I felt better. We may not always get the answers we seek to the deep questions and secrets of the Universe in a timely manner . . but eventually all comes together . . healing comes in it\'s own time. I will be thinking of you and sending lots of positive healing energy your way. Hugs, D
Kim: I did a lot of this my first year. My husband died in January, his grandfather had a stroke in February, my father died in December, my dog was diagnosed with cancer in December, and I was trying to care for my mother with dementia. It is perfectly reasonable to be pissed as hell. Get it all out! I am now at four years in my life is somewhat in better order and I can handle the every day crises with some security. Sending hugs your way.
Val
Kim,
Hold on my precious friend....I love you...Sandra
Kim,
I could have written your post just about any day of this journey. At going into 10 months I seem to be backtracking. Hard days every day. New problems every day. Fortunately I still have our beloved dog. There is a cliff waiting for me to jump off of if I lose her. Couldn\'t handle that now. People will say the dumbest things with the best of intentions because they don\'t have a clue ( yet ) someday they probably will and then you will see them change. I have endured more pain than I ever thought imaginable and now I am hearing that I should become a bereavement counselor because I am so empathetic and compassionate with others. Really????? Last thing on earth I want to do spend my life listening to others relive this nightmare I am going through even though I do know how much they need help as I have and still do. Yes I also hear that God has a plan, a good plan, a plan to prosper me and not harm me and so on and so on. Doesn\'t feel like it to me right now, but I also know that you have to be patient and that in time it will reveal itself and we may be surprised when we finally see it and look back on the journey.
I pray that you let your anger play out by beating whatever you can find to get the stress out. Throwing glasses or dishes is helpful. The anger is the worst.
I wish you strength to fight through this phase of grief to a more stable place. Just know that you may backslide like I feel I am doing right now. Fortunately it doesn\'t last as long and I have better coping skills than I had in the beginning. We truly are the dead walking. Robyn
Kim, I am so glad you wrote this entry. I often question God as to what his plan is. Wednesday morning I woke up and had a terrible morning. If I had been close to a bridge, I would have jumped off of it. Anything to be with Art again. However, I know he wants me to be happy. Just going to take a whole bunch of time. Get the anger out!!!! Dayna, I love the baseball bat and park bench story. Thanks for making me laugh. I think we should all get one. Sounds like good therapy. Hugs. Sue
I am tending towards anger these days as well. I can be calm for a couple of days and then wham i hit a small speed bump in life and i just get so angry about it all.Have a peaceful day-Patti
I found anger probably the hardest emotion to control. That \"red mist descending\" sometimes was unbelievable and overwhelming. I could compartmentalize my crying and such to some extent, but the angry monster was a lot harder to control, especially hen some idiot would say something stupid to me. I pounded my pillows with my fists to get it out of my system (and not hurt anyone). It has the added advantage of fluffing the pillows, too. :P Our beloved old cat, Izzy, was put down on me and Cliff\'s wedding anniversary. That sucked. Then, a few months later, unexpectedly we had to put down Minipuss, my cat here that had got me through so much in the transition to the UK. I was a complete mess, moreso than I would have thought. Sometimes something like pet bereavement brings all the other griefs back up to the surface, especially since it hits when we are already feeling like we\'re running on empty. It\'s okay to be mad. I can\'t imagine not getting mad, and of the thousands of widows and widowers who have been through here over the years, I only know of 2 who claimed not to get mad - definitely the exceptions! I don\'t know what the future holds for any of us, I just know we have to keep trying to build it. Hang in there.... Love and Hugs, Martha