Mabon & School

"I do believe it is possible to create, even without ever writing a word or painting a picture, by simply molding one's inner life. And that too is a deed." – Etty HillesumYesterday was Mabon (fall equinox / pagan thanksgiving). Husband and I had a small feast of lemon and honey glazed turkey breast, acorn squash, a nice salad and fresh baked pumpkin bread. I wanted to keep it simple yet yummy. I also started back to school yesterday. This is my last class before I graduate. It’s a business course to teach me how to operate in the holistic medicine side of business. A lot of it I already know from running my business now but I am taking the class mainly to help me implement and get the most out of my training. How to legally market my new training as well as incorporating it into the other things I do with my business.So far so good, however, I am having slight trouble with writing my papers for my first module. We are doing a lot of personality assessing, value looking at, and a lot of exposing very personal things. How do you write your paper without saying “hey my fellow classmates…I am a freak who is an Ex cutter who is dealing with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and who is a high sensitive person. Generally by most standards I am a freakin mess...but hey I am workin on it!!!!” *insert chessey smile* I want to be honest but I hate exposing myself like that. Its none of their damn business! For my essay I chose the “Wheel of Life” diagram. (google it I am better sure you will understand it that way. lol) It is essentially this wheel where you mark how happy you are with your relationships, career, finances, security etc. If your wheel looks like a star burst they said you got a lot of cleaning up in your life to do. Mine looked mini…as in I scored low on a lot of things with one spike of me feel secure. For the essay you have to do the Wheel and then comment on what you should improve upon and why it’s like that.  As I did the Wheel I already knew why I was scoring low. I already knew what I needed to improve upon and have come a long way to score at least that high- which was still low. I started to feel uncomfortable and sad. How would I explain it all? I made my answers vague. Such as “My Energy level coincides with my Health & Well Being as well as Fun and Recreation. I know those can be approved upon and have been actively doing so by making great strides in that area after massive setbacks and a death in the family.  However, despite the hardships I have been working hard to get to the person I wish to be.”*sighs* hopefully I can get my paper to blend into the background. Hopefully no one will comment or read it for that matter. When I started my journey in healing I made a promise to myself to always be honest with myself and others. I feel so strongly that with this it’s a need to know basis. I don’t want to be the poster child for anxiety and panic. I don’t want to have to explain how debilitating depression can be.  It’s bad enough my arm is so scarred from over a decade of cutting. I wear my scars with pride…I survived…I shouldn’t have to explain anymore and I shouldn’t have to hide.  It should just....BE. But that’s not life…and I will always have to explain those marks on my arms. I will always have to answer the curious questions or suffer through the side glances. There are days I dont mind educated but I guess...today is not one of them and I wish to just fade into the background like my paper.  ~Bright Blessings~Rea