Lucky me
Tuesday my psych told me he thought I should double my dose of antidepressants.
Wednesday morning I started the double dose. That night I barely slept. I was nauseous. This didn't surprise me, because when I first started this antidepressant I also slept badly for the first week. I'd just have to sit it out.
Thursday I had to go for blood drawing again. This time I very nearly fainted with pure fear, my body getting pulled down and my head rolling to the side. I heard the nurses far far away in the background and thought this was probably a bad thing and I should try to break out of it. I kept feeling light-headed for the rest of the day and cancelled my plans with friends. I tried to eat but was too nauseous. I barely slept again.
Friday I still felt shaky but the worst seemed to be gone. I felt a bit strange too, a bit surreal. I thought it was because I was slowly crawling out of my depression. I was less nauseous but still had to remind myself to eat. I slept a bit better.
Saturday I started to feel light-headed again, my body sometimes seeming heavy or powerless. It was the same feeling as when I almost fainted in the hospital. I blamed the lack of sleep and the scary experience. I still felt strange. I slept only a few hours.
Sunday the light-headedness intensified. I sunk through my knees when I tried to stand up. I nearly fell from the stairs when I went to the toilet at night. My trembling increased, so did the occasionally numb or heavy feeling in my limbs. Sometimes I felt my consciousness wanting to sink away. I could still snap out of it all. I blamed it on the now major lack of sleep. That night was the worst, sleeping 2-3 hours at most. My body felt extremely heavy, like it was pushed into to the mattress, yet I could move it as easily as always when I wanted to.
Monday. I got up all right since I had been awake for a long time anyway. For the most part I sat behind my laptop then. I noticed that the drowsy feeling in my body was more present than ever before. When not typing I would feel my arm dropping down like it had no muscles. Sometimes I'd get a heavy feeling in my head or hands. I sometimes saw black and white dots in the corners of my eyes. When I would walk I had more lapses where I felt the power flooding out of my legs. My trembling was the worst so far. I was constantly shaking my arms to lose the numb feeling in them. Later in the day, if I would do something or move a lot, I'd run out of breath and felt my heart thumping. But this didn't alarm me yet since I was still mostly sitting still behind my laptop and it wasn't kicking in much and it seemed logical that these things would get worse as my lack of sleep increased.
Then I had to go shopping for dinner.
The supermarket is as close as it can be, maybe a 2 minute walk? I was curious how well I'd get through it but didn't think I would get into any serious trouble. Right before the entrance I got dizzy and managed to stabilise myself. Inside, it went from that to worse. I had to grab on to the rows of products to hold myself up or had to stand still to catch my breath and find my footing. I was frazzled, going back and forth without much purpose. After a while I realised: I've got to stop wasting time and get out of here before I'll faint on the way back. I got out all right, but 10 meters from the exit it came again. I let out a yelp because my feet suddenly didn't do what I wanted them to and I nearly fell. A few meters further and I noticed my feet were starting to slur, to the point where I was dragging them over the ground.
Then I couldn't lift my feet anymore. I yelled for help instinctively because I felt my body losing consciousness as I tried to stumble forward to the wall. I managed to get to it and took a good while leaning against it, telling myself not to faint, that I could not faint. Walking along the wall I finally got to my door. In the hallway I stood to catch my breath. I felt so tired, my heart was in my throat beating wildly and I was panting, my limbs feeling numb. Then the feeling of losing control of my body flooded me again, but I could fight it back. But then it came once more and I nearly couldn't. I was slumping forward, yelling for help again, clutching the banister talking to myself again that I could not faint, not here, I didn't have a mobile phone with me and it'd take a good while before someone would get across me. The thought terrified me but it managed to keep me conscious.
Once I got my act together again, it was time for something I was already dreading on the way back. Climbing the stairs. Right. I took it one step at a time. Resting on each step for a good 10 seconds. Grabbing on to the banister for my dear life. It went pretty good, just at the top ones I sped up because I felt like falling backwards. Then I was finally home. The trouble stayed though. I had to hold on to my furniture when moving around, had to grab hold of something before I could stand up, my walking and movements were uncoordinated. The whole time my heart kept racing and I felt breathless.
When I finally had put the shopping away and sank down behind my desk I was seriously wondering how I was gonna get from one side of my room to the other. Even sitting down I felt as if I could lose consciousness any moment. Moving made it worse. I realised that, out of the blue, I was in some pretty serious trouble. I hadn't seen that coming. Before Thursday, I had never come close to fainting. Now it was almost my default state. The severity of the situation smacked me in the face as I started to wonder how long I could fight it back and what would happen since no one else was here. I recalled the two times before when I had been so close to losing it, calling for help that didn't come.
Yeah. I was pretty damn fucking scared by then. I tried to stay cool and calm but failed miserably. I called my mother, who instantly ordered me to check the information that came with my meds, for side-effects. I ran through them, but only found mine at the end.
VERY RARELY APPEARING SIDE-EFFECTS (affect 1 in 10.000 people)
Palpitations, losing consciousness, nervous spasms/tremors, rigid muscles, uncontrolled movements, problems with walking or coordination. Feeling restless and strange or surreal, having a numb or tingling sensation.
Huh. Looks like I'm a special kind of special.
So I was ticking all those boxes and could connect everything from the past week directly to the medicine instead of the lack of sleep from the medicine. So obviously my apparently delicate body cannot handle the double dose of antidepressant. And is letting it be known in very rarely appearing ways. That was all fine and dandy to know, but meanwhile I was still scared shitless. Suddenly seeing my hand folded in a fist all by itself didn't help. The way you usually use force to make a first, I had to use force to open it. If I let go, my hand would fold itself back instantly. This in itself didn't really freak me out (it's pretty fascinating actually) but it was just everything adding up. I was still on the phone so I could give my mom a live report of the new development. She told me to call a friend over which I did.
That calmed me down and I was feeling much better when she left around 9, being able to cross the room again and such. But along the evening the heavy and numb feeling in my body increased, especially on my left side, particularly my left arm. I had already noticed before that I did not feel the sharpness of my nail when I would press it into the palm of my left hand (I could with my right). My right hand had partly started to fold itself too, leaving out the thumb and index finger. At the end of the evening it was in the same state as my left. And when I was starting to think about going to bed around 12, I suddenly felt so drowsy and heavy that I knew I HAD to go.
It was when I was turning of the lights that my left fist suddenly came up to my shoulder. I could bend it down and when I let go, it would come right back up. Sure, fine, elbow down too, one more casualty, who cares. I felt like half a pharaoh when I was laying in bed. Then a crouching half pharaoh when later one by one my legs started to bend. Then, in total a few hours later, I was at last a complete crouching pharaoh as my right fist suddenly snapped upwards as well. After that I apparently became an angry crouching complete pharaoh as my teeth started to clench together. Meanwhile I felt like I couldn't completely breathe in, and my vision was sometimes blurry at the edges. I didn't dare trying to sleep because I felt like I would faint instead. I was laying there absurdly cramped up and I wondered what else could still happen and if I could fight off the fainting again. Was quite scared again but calm about it this time. I watched series on my laptop and around 7 in the morning found myself able to go to sleep without feeling like fainting.
That's already today then. The muscle tension has largely disappeared and I feel better than yesterday for sure. But I can't guess how good that is exactly. I feel like going to study group today but I also feel I might be taking a risk there. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to keep you guys updated ;)
Wednesday morning I started the double dose. That night I barely slept. I was nauseous. This didn't surprise me, because when I first started this antidepressant I also slept badly for the first week. I'd just have to sit it out.
Thursday I had to go for blood drawing again. This time I very nearly fainted with pure fear, my body getting pulled down and my head rolling to the side. I heard the nurses far far away in the background and thought this was probably a bad thing and I should try to break out of it. I kept feeling light-headed for the rest of the day and cancelled my plans with friends. I tried to eat but was too nauseous. I barely slept again.
Friday I still felt shaky but the worst seemed to be gone. I felt a bit strange too, a bit surreal. I thought it was because I was slowly crawling out of my depression. I was less nauseous but still had to remind myself to eat. I slept a bit better.
Saturday I started to feel light-headed again, my body sometimes seeming heavy or powerless. It was the same feeling as when I almost fainted in the hospital. I blamed the lack of sleep and the scary experience. I still felt strange. I slept only a few hours.
Sunday the light-headedness intensified. I sunk through my knees when I tried to stand up. I nearly fell from the stairs when I went to the toilet at night. My trembling increased, so did the occasionally numb or heavy feeling in my limbs. Sometimes I felt my consciousness wanting to sink away. I could still snap out of it all. I blamed it on the now major lack of sleep. That night was the worst, sleeping 2-3 hours at most. My body felt extremely heavy, like it was pushed into to the mattress, yet I could move it as easily as always when I wanted to.
Monday. I got up all right since I had been awake for a long time anyway. For the most part I sat behind my laptop then. I noticed that the drowsy feeling in my body was more present than ever before. When not typing I would feel my arm dropping down like it had no muscles. Sometimes I'd get a heavy feeling in my head or hands. I sometimes saw black and white dots in the corners of my eyes. When I would walk I had more lapses where I felt the power flooding out of my legs. My trembling was the worst so far. I was constantly shaking my arms to lose the numb feeling in them. Later in the day, if I would do something or move a lot, I'd run out of breath and felt my heart thumping. But this didn't alarm me yet since I was still mostly sitting still behind my laptop and it wasn't kicking in much and it seemed logical that these things would get worse as my lack of sleep increased.
Then I had to go shopping for dinner.
The supermarket is as close as it can be, maybe a 2 minute walk? I was curious how well I'd get through it but didn't think I would get into any serious trouble. Right before the entrance I got dizzy and managed to stabilise myself. Inside, it went from that to worse. I had to grab on to the rows of products to hold myself up or had to stand still to catch my breath and find my footing. I was frazzled, going back and forth without much purpose. After a while I realised: I've got to stop wasting time and get out of here before I'll faint on the way back. I got out all right, but 10 meters from the exit it came again. I let out a yelp because my feet suddenly didn't do what I wanted them to and I nearly fell. A few meters further and I noticed my feet were starting to slur, to the point where I was dragging them over the ground.
Then I couldn't lift my feet anymore. I yelled for help instinctively because I felt my body losing consciousness as I tried to stumble forward to the wall. I managed to get to it and took a good while leaning against it, telling myself not to faint, that I could not faint. Walking along the wall I finally got to my door. In the hallway I stood to catch my breath. I felt so tired, my heart was in my throat beating wildly and I was panting, my limbs feeling numb. Then the feeling of losing control of my body flooded me again, but I could fight it back. But then it came once more and I nearly couldn't. I was slumping forward, yelling for help again, clutching the banister talking to myself again that I could not faint, not here, I didn't have a mobile phone with me and it'd take a good while before someone would get across me. The thought terrified me but it managed to keep me conscious.
Once I got my act together again, it was time for something I was already dreading on the way back. Climbing the stairs. Right. I took it one step at a time. Resting on each step for a good 10 seconds. Grabbing on to the banister for my dear life. It went pretty good, just at the top ones I sped up because I felt like falling backwards. Then I was finally home. The trouble stayed though. I had to hold on to my furniture when moving around, had to grab hold of something before I could stand up, my walking and movements were uncoordinated. The whole time my heart kept racing and I felt breathless.
When I finally had put the shopping away and sank down behind my desk I was seriously wondering how I was gonna get from one side of my room to the other. Even sitting down I felt as if I could lose consciousness any moment. Moving made it worse. I realised that, out of the blue, I was in some pretty serious trouble. I hadn't seen that coming. Before Thursday, I had never come close to fainting. Now it was almost my default state. The severity of the situation smacked me in the face as I started to wonder how long I could fight it back and what would happen since no one else was here. I recalled the two times before when I had been so close to losing it, calling for help that didn't come.
Yeah. I was pretty damn fucking scared by then. I tried to stay cool and calm but failed miserably. I called my mother, who instantly ordered me to check the information that came with my meds, for side-effects. I ran through them, but only found mine at the end.
VERY RARELY APPEARING SIDE-EFFECTS (affect 1 in 10.000 people)
Palpitations, losing consciousness, nervous spasms/tremors, rigid muscles, uncontrolled movements, problems with walking or coordination. Feeling restless and strange or surreal, having a numb or tingling sensation.
Huh. Looks like I'm a special kind of special.
So I was ticking all those boxes and could connect everything from the past week directly to the medicine instead of the lack of sleep from the medicine. So obviously my apparently delicate body cannot handle the double dose of antidepressant. And is letting it be known in very rarely appearing ways. That was all fine and dandy to know, but meanwhile I was still scared shitless. Suddenly seeing my hand folded in a fist all by itself didn't help. The way you usually use force to make a first, I had to use force to open it. If I let go, my hand would fold itself back instantly. This in itself didn't really freak me out (it's pretty fascinating actually) but it was just everything adding up. I was still on the phone so I could give my mom a live report of the new development. She told me to call a friend over which I did.
That calmed me down and I was feeling much better when she left around 9, being able to cross the room again and such. But along the evening the heavy and numb feeling in my body increased, especially on my left side, particularly my left arm. I had already noticed before that I did not feel the sharpness of my nail when I would press it into the palm of my left hand (I could with my right). My right hand had partly started to fold itself too, leaving out the thumb and index finger. At the end of the evening it was in the same state as my left. And when I was starting to think about going to bed around 12, I suddenly felt so drowsy and heavy that I knew I HAD to go.
It was when I was turning of the lights that my left fist suddenly came up to my shoulder. I could bend it down and when I let go, it would come right back up. Sure, fine, elbow down too, one more casualty, who cares. I felt like half a pharaoh when I was laying in bed. Then a crouching half pharaoh when later one by one my legs started to bend. Then, in total a few hours later, I was at last a complete crouching pharaoh as my right fist suddenly snapped upwards as well. After that I apparently became an angry crouching complete pharaoh as my teeth started to clench together. Meanwhile I felt like I couldn't completely breathe in, and my vision was sometimes blurry at the edges. I didn't dare trying to sleep because I felt like I would faint instead. I was laying there absurdly cramped up and I wondered what else could still happen and if I could fight off the fainting again. Was quite scared again but calm about it this time. I watched series on my laptop and around 7 in the morning found myself able to go to sleep without feeling like fainting.
That's already today then. The muscle tension has largely disappeared and I feel better than yesterday for sure. But I can't guess how good that is exactly. I feel like going to study group today but I also feel I might be taking a risk there. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to keep you guys updated ;)
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