Lucky Girl.
I am a lucky girl. I have an amazing boyfriend who is very loving, supportive and caring.
I am a lucky girl because i know that he will always be that amazing man. Even after he has turned into a nasty, spiteful and mean person, he will "switch" back. Eventually.
The thing about Mental illness is, i understand. I get it. I too struggle with the demons in my head; the maniac times where i am convinced i have psychic abilities and can save the world, live on no sleep and have complete control. The depressive state of mind where i am worthless;"born to suffer live to die" where i feel guilty for feeling guilty and not having the will to live.
We are a perfect match, us two. We both feel grateful for everyday, try to uphold a positive mantra and are happy to have found true love. We are so alike we both feel an affinity to our families and an obligation to help others. However, with the good comes the bad. We both fall, constantly into a deep sadness. Emptiness and loss of joy. No one day is the same. Very rare if we are both happy on the same day at the same time. But somehow it works, we balance eachother out.
Being BiPolar does not define me. Living with a mental illness is just what it is. Life. I accepted my flaws and learnt how to control my moods. My partner, he has no diagnosis, no "label" and no idea what he is suffering with. He accepts that he has another part of him. Another version of himself that wants to ruin his life.
My relationship with my boyfriend is not like others. He has two sides. The difficult thing for me is to accept that i am loved and hated by the same person. That i have conversations and experiences with someone who is present physically but not actually "there".
What i want and i need to know is, how can i help him? How can i love him when he has hurt me so deeply, but has no recollection of how, when and why? How can i stay strong and not lose control of my own self in the process?
Last night my amazing, loving and caring boyfriend came back from his smoke break a different person. This person is cruel, menacing and hateful. In the space of an hour he ended our relationship, verbally attacked me, threatened to end his own life and only after i broke down apologized for not being able to control himself. He spoke of his struggles with his other self, slept for a little while before leaving for his night time job. When he returned home this morning he had no recollection of the night before.
He spoke of his strange shift, hearing voices, seeing people who are not real and spooky cats. He looked sad, hopeless and a little lost. He seemed confused at my vague attempt to console him, still in shock, tired and emotionally drained from last nights events.
With hurt in his eyes i explained what happened, briefly. I used the analogy of the broken plate. He asked me how i am, i replied "i am a broken plate".
"Take a plate throw it on the ground, see how it has broken into many pieces. Now say sorry to it, does that fix the plate?" "But the plate can be put back together" he said. "Yes, but you can still see the cracks and it will never be the same" i replied.
I am a lucky girl. The Man i love came home safe today, unharmed. I got to hold him and tell him how much i care about him. Until next time, until he turns into someone else, i am a lucky girl.
I am a lucky girl because i know that he will always be that amazing man. Even after he has turned into a nasty, spiteful and mean person, he will "switch" back. Eventually.
The thing about Mental illness is, i understand. I get it. I too struggle with the demons in my head; the maniac times where i am convinced i have psychic abilities and can save the world, live on no sleep and have complete control. The depressive state of mind where i am worthless;"born to suffer live to die" where i feel guilty for feeling guilty and not having the will to live.
We are a perfect match, us two. We both feel grateful for everyday, try to uphold a positive mantra and are happy to have found true love. We are so alike we both feel an affinity to our families and an obligation to help others. However, with the good comes the bad. We both fall, constantly into a deep sadness. Emptiness and loss of joy. No one day is the same. Very rare if we are both happy on the same day at the same time. But somehow it works, we balance eachother out.
Being BiPolar does not define me. Living with a mental illness is just what it is. Life. I accepted my flaws and learnt how to control my moods. My partner, he has no diagnosis, no "label" and no idea what he is suffering with. He accepts that he has another part of him. Another version of himself that wants to ruin his life.
My relationship with my boyfriend is not like others. He has two sides. The difficult thing for me is to accept that i am loved and hated by the same person. That i have conversations and experiences with someone who is present physically but not actually "there".
What i want and i need to know is, how can i help him? How can i love him when he has hurt me so deeply, but has no recollection of how, when and why? How can i stay strong and not lose control of my own self in the process?
Last night my amazing, loving and caring boyfriend came back from his smoke break a different person. This person is cruel, menacing and hateful. In the space of an hour he ended our relationship, verbally attacked me, threatened to end his own life and only after i broke down apologized for not being able to control himself. He spoke of his struggles with his other self, slept for a little while before leaving for his night time job. When he returned home this morning he had no recollection of the night before.
He spoke of his strange shift, hearing voices, seeing people who are not real and spooky cats. He looked sad, hopeless and a little lost. He seemed confused at my vague attempt to console him, still in shock, tired and emotionally drained from last nights events.
With hurt in his eyes i explained what happened, briefly. I used the analogy of the broken plate. He asked me how i am, i replied "i am a broken plate".
"Take a plate throw it on the ground, see how it has broken into many pieces. Now say sorry to it, does that fix the plate?" "But the plate can be put back together" he said. "Yes, but you can still see the cracks and it will never be the same" i replied.
I am a lucky girl. The Man i love came home safe today, unharmed. I got to hold him and tell him how much i care about him. Until next time, until he turns into someone else, i am a lucky girl.
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