low point

honestly i dont even know where to begin. well alot has been going on lately. so i guess the laura 'drama' started last thursday when i started to feel a little off, i had decided to stay home from school that day mainly because i just didnt have it in me to get up in the morning. i've just been so stressed out i felt like i was going to explode. school has been really hard for me, i just cant seem to keep up anymore. i dont have the drive. plus i'd been thinking about my mom lately. i dont even know her. how am i supposed to tell when shes doing okay??? i dont fucking know what okay even is. for all i know shes just natrualy 'hyper' and i'm just paranoid but she hasent been getting very much sleep and that scares me. plus my boyfriend has been freaking me out. i just started birthcontrol a week and a half ago. i know he wants to have sex, but god its just feaking me out. it didnt used to, but i've been listening to all the horror stories about girlfriends who slept with there boyfriends and then got dumped two hours later over myspace sorta thing. i couldnt stand to lose him. i love him so much i'm soo scared that things would change. so i've been freaking out about that to and thursday night everything jsut sorta piled up and exploded in my face. i couldnt stop thinking. it was like i had lost controll of my mind, i was reliving memorys of my mom during psycotic episodes and just thinking about how scared i was that that could happen agin and then boyfriend and then school and everything. my mind jsut wouldnt quiet down and suddenly i just wanted to die. and once i thought it i couldnt make myself stop. i wanted to kill myself and force the memorys away. somehow i finaly fell asleep around 2 in the morning and when i woke up i was so scared. never in my life had i had suicidal thoughts before. i was desgusted with myself. i still cant believe how low i got. i couldnt get ready for school because i was shaking so bad. so i gave up and found my mom in the living room and told her what had happened. she wanted to take me to the hospital but there was no way in hell i was going to let that happen. eventuly she convinced me to stay with my nieghboor for the day so that she could go to work. turned out to be a good idea no matter how badly i wanted to be alone right then. cause the moment i did have time to myself i broke down. and of corse that night i got a message from my boyfriend saying that something was going on and that he needed me to call him right away when i got that message. i did. his oldest brother eliote had been in a car crash. he broke his neck, his sholder, his ribs, and his hand was completly fucked up. i havent talked to him much sence, so i have no idea what is going on and i'm worried out of my mind. i wish i knew that eliote was okay and i NEED to know if luke is okay (lukes my boyfriend). i know that he has had drinking problems in the past and i'm scared that he might relapse. but in the mean time, yesterday my mom wanted us all to go to old sacramento and have alittle family time. at this time i was still freaked out about my 'episode' i had gone to a very dark place thursday night, and i NEVER want to go there agian. i cant describe it, it was just cold dark overwhelming fear. i convinced my mom to let me pierce my bellybutton. for me it was going to be symbolic, like my moms ring is for her. i wanted something perminate, that i would always have with me. it is my constant reminder of how low i got thursday night, and that i survived it and that i was never going to lose myself so completly ever again. it hella hurt though. OUCHOUCHOUCH. but it was worth it. i feel stronger now. i know that sounds silly. i've also decided that i'm going to definatly persue counseling, obvoisly i need help. but i'm more okay with that now than i was before. i pretty much scared myself into counsleing i think. anyways if everyone who reads this could please pray for my boyfriend and his brother, we need all the help we can get right now. (oh and sorry for any spelling mistakes i was typeing really fast)