Low, low, low
It's the last period of the school day (I teach high school)...it's been a rather trying day...finally have a free period.
I miss Juno. The holidays are coming up and I miss him. I have two beautiful kitties to greet me at the door, and I love them, but they're not Juno, and every day I can still picture him waking up sleepily and coming to see me.
He was a loving, sweet cat. He always told me about his day. Honestly, he was the most vocal kitty in the world -- he had so many different tones and intonations in the way he "spoke," I could ask him questions and he would respond! It was both hilarious and adorable.
Last night I had a really lovely memory of him while I was just lying on the couch, talking to my husband. It was from last spring. I had come home early, grabbed some homemade guacamole and tostitos from the fridge, and then I brought Juno outside. (He wasn't an outdoor cat, but in the last year of his life, we live(d) in a suburb, and he was able to sit outside in his own little "domain," so sweetly, and just look around and sniff the grass and bushes without wandering off. He LOVED it outside.) Anyway, I just remembered sitting out there, watching him sit outside and enjoy the breeze with his little face against the wind, and the air smelled like spring.
I'm crying as I write this. I miss him so badly and people are tired of hearing about it. My husband, who loved him very much, is even tired of it. Sometimes I have to stifle my tears from him so he doesn't see me.
I am so glad that I got to say goodbye to him in the manner that I did...in his favorite position, curled up on my left shoulder. I loved him so, so, so much. I doted on him. I miss him and I'm crying full out right now. I will never forget saying goodbye to him and whispering in his ear how much I loved him and watching the love fade out of his eyes. It was easily one of the most traumatizing thing I've ever done. But I'm glad I was there for him, to be with him when he left this world......he was sick and not feeling well but I hope he felt the love that I had for him in those final moments. Oh God, I am crying so hard right now - thank goodness no one is around!
Every night, I say a prayer to God and ask him to tell Juno I miss and love him, and to hug him for me. I hope there is a heaven for animals -- sometimes I question that -- even for humans -- there has to be, right? There has to be a place for his beautiful energy to go?
And every morning I say goodbye to his little urn, pat it once or twice and say goodbye for the day - is that crazy? It sounds it. Whatever. But I miss him so much.
I had him from 21 to 36. He was with me through so much, I can't even get into it. But I've had a rather tough life - an ex fiance left me 8 weeks before my wedding day, I'm now excommunicated from the majority of my family -- I could go on and on - and yet Juno was with me through it all. My psychiatrist tells me that for some reason, God put him on this leg of my journey through life, and for some reason, he's taken him away. I try to do what she says - to practice gratitude for having his little spirit with me for so long....to have such a beautiful little soul in my life for 15 years, through all of this sh-t....but the tears keep on coming, and people are becoming less and less understanding about my grief.
I've had depression since I can remember, but I've been really, really low since Juno died. My shrink wants to put me on more meds -- which I do NOT want.
Anyway, tears are streaming down my face. I have to pull myself together because the bell will ring soon. It feels good to have written my first journal entry.
I miss Juno. The holidays are coming up and I miss him. I have two beautiful kitties to greet me at the door, and I love them, but they're not Juno, and every day I can still picture him waking up sleepily and coming to see me.
He was a loving, sweet cat. He always told me about his day. Honestly, he was the most vocal kitty in the world -- he had so many different tones and intonations in the way he "spoke," I could ask him questions and he would respond! It was both hilarious and adorable.
Last night I had a really lovely memory of him while I was just lying on the couch, talking to my husband. It was from last spring. I had come home early, grabbed some homemade guacamole and tostitos from the fridge, and then I brought Juno outside. (He wasn't an outdoor cat, but in the last year of his life, we live(d) in a suburb, and he was able to sit outside in his own little "domain," so sweetly, and just look around and sniff the grass and bushes without wandering off. He LOVED it outside.) Anyway, I just remembered sitting out there, watching him sit outside and enjoy the breeze with his little face against the wind, and the air smelled like spring.
I'm crying as I write this. I miss him so badly and people are tired of hearing about it. My husband, who loved him very much, is even tired of it. Sometimes I have to stifle my tears from him so he doesn't see me.
I am so glad that I got to say goodbye to him in the manner that I did...in his favorite position, curled up on my left shoulder. I loved him so, so, so much. I doted on him. I miss him and I'm crying full out right now. I will never forget saying goodbye to him and whispering in his ear how much I loved him and watching the love fade out of his eyes. It was easily one of the most traumatizing thing I've ever done. But I'm glad I was there for him, to be with him when he left this world......he was sick and not feeling well but I hope he felt the love that I had for him in those final moments. Oh God, I am crying so hard right now - thank goodness no one is around!
Every night, I say a prayer to God and ask him to tell Juno I miss and love him, and to hug him for me. I hope there is a heaven for animals -- sometimes I question that -- even for humans -- there has to be, right? There has to be a place for his beautiful energy to go?
And every morning I say goodbye to his little urn, pat it once or twice and say goodbye for the day - is that crazy? It sounds it. Whatever. But I miss him so much.
I had him from 21 to 36. He was with me through so much, I can't even get into it. But I've had a rather tough life - an ex fiance left me 8 weeks before my wedding day, I'm now excommunicated from the majority of my family -- I could go on and on - and yet Juno was with me through it all. My psychiatrist tells me that for some reason, God put him on this leg of my journey through life, and for some reason, he's taken him away. I try to do what she says - to practice gratitude for having his little spirit with me for so long....to have such a beautiful little soul in my life for 15 years, through all of this sh-t....but the tears keep on coming, and people are becoming less and less understanding about my grief.
I've had depression since I can remember, but I've been really, really low since Juno died. My shrink wants to put me on more meds -- which I do NOT want.
Anyway, tears are streaming down my face. I have to pull myself together because the bell will ring soon. It feels good to have written my first journal entry.
Replies
getting your feelings out is good,do it alone if you have to,i still cry everynight,usually when my kids and husband are in bed and everynight i open my backdoor and say goodnight to clay,hes buried in my garden,its become a habit now,i just have to do it so no your not mad.i think we all still talk to our pets!! that sounds like a wonderful memory,hold onto it and cherish it,you will have it forever and yes i do believe our pets are in a pet heaven somewhere,free of pain and happy,waiting for us i hope!! i also dread the holidays,halloween was awful for me cause lat year i was on hols in the countryside with my family and our dogs(4 of them,clay,chewie,toby and george).my 2 sisters have dogs,they were clays buddies.we always wondered who would die 1st,now we know,never dreamed it would be clay,he was so full of life,happy-go-lucky,eager to please,friendly little dog,my baby.the other 2 dogs are so lazy!! anyway,i would try to avoid more meds too,im not on any but was for a month after clay died,i was so bad i just needed something to get me through it.i think sometimes they can surpress your feelings and might make healing take longer,thats just my opinion though,i have an emergency sedative for bad days(courtisy of my mother),so far its still in my bag but some days are harder than others,try to stay strong,cry when you need to,write when you to,your not alone in how you feel,keep those happy memories in your thoughts,hugs xx
I hope you found writing this journal and crying helped ease some of your pain. I didn\'t think talking about Lady and crying would help me, so I held it in as long as I could... but surprisingly \"letting it all out\" is actually helping me move forward. I talk to Lady all the time, to her memorial flag in the condo, to her pendant in the car, to the air in general, so patting Juno\'s urn doesn\'t seem crazy at all.
Hold onto those happy memories.
Hugs xoxo