Lovely People, Lovely thoughts...
A few years ago I was on this site, just mild anxiety episodes.. I felt like everyone on here was sicker than me, "sicker" thats right, stupid cow. But since being back, I literally can not get over the amount of beautiful souls screaming on the inside, yet on the outside their crys sound like angels, doing literally everything in their power to establish a common ground on this site.
I wake up, I have a drink, I have a "green drugs in natural gummed paper" then I take my prescriptions.
This knocks me back a little and reminds me i'm not a little kid anymore, I top up my substance throughout the day. Then I leave when it's time to go out. I don't want to watch my friends eye's glisten as they hold up their weekly earnings spent on glass.
I don't want to get triggered and turn into a screaming savage towards people I couldn't take on to save my life.
I hate everyone around me, I'm as nice as I fucking need to be. I'm hated by females, then their boyfriends are manipulated by their skanks and then i'm fucked.
The harder I party, The more distant I become from reality, I love it and hate it so fucking much.
Then there's you guys, Why are you all so nice? What has been given to you that makes you not want to fucking slit the throats of every fucking dipshit that opens their mouth.
I wake up, I have a drink, I have a "green drugs in natural gummed paper" then I take my prescriptions.
This knocks me back a little and reminds me i'm not a little kid anymore, I top up my substance throughout the day. Then I leave when it's time to go out. I don't want to watch my friends eye's glisten as they hold up their weekly earnings spent on glass.
I don't want to get triggered and turn into a screaming savage towards people I couldn't take on to save my life.
I hate everyone around me, I'm as nice as I fucking need to be. I'm hated by females, then their boyfriends are manipulated by their skanks and then i'm fucked.
The harder I party, The more distant I become from reality, I love it and hate it so fucking much.
Then there's you guys, Why are you all so nice? What has been given to you that makes you not want to fucking slit the throats of every fucking dipshit that opens their mouth.
Replies
\" What has been given to you that makes you not want to fucking slit the throats of every fucking dipshit that opens their mouth.\"
Gub\'mint pills and coffee...but mostly it\'s just who I chose to be. My dad took his shit out on me. I didn\'t want to be like him.
Im very sorry to here that, and that is a very brave of you!
I just don\'t understand, do I sit here on a stool in the corner of a room being poked by a sharp stick saying stop.. or do I grab the stick and break it over my leg thus it ceasing to exist?
im not really that nice...i just lived in fear so long that I\'m too exhausted for anger...\"sick and tired of being sick and tired\"....anyhow, thank you for sharing such powerful words and getting it out!
a few years ago, the way my mental history was,,some psychiatrist felt so right about discussing \"me\" outloud and i overheard and thing is according to my parents the said they thought for sure i would end up a serial killer.. since than, rembering why im messed up to beging with i decided i couldnt do some stuff to people that was done to me. i too find alot of nice comments here, its why im always here. its better than in my head. i try to keep my innies happy, that way they are peaceful and more co-operating..oh and wont explode and than im left to clean up the shattered glass and such.
by the way thanks for sharing, it gave me something interesting to think about. in a way the world is fucked up, and since im \"collateral damage\" i huess i think i can be a better person bcus i know the other side in ways people dont think its real..i dont think that made sense the way i wanted to express it.
Its a selfish world, we go through that much shit, i don\'t need a sexy male profile picture to say im beautiful to make me think someone thinks I\'m beautiful.
I think that those that are hurt the most are sometimes the nicest. Because, at least in my instance, I would not want to hurt anyone as badly as I have been hurt....no one, anywhere, deserves it. I would not wish how people treated me even back on those who did it to me.....
Nail on head! Yeah, it broke me, it\'s breaking me...but someones got it worse. We know internal pain, not external sadism.
JayJayy, I realize you don\'t know me from a rock and I hope I\'m not triggering you as a stranger expressing my thoughts to you. If I have, I sincerely apologize, if that helps.
I just wanted to say, Nervous2221 did indeed hit the nail on the head. I didn\'t go through anything near what you all have yet I was left with a \"shell\" of a human being. Just existing from one day to the next, faking my way through most of my so called \"life\". I agree because I think at least some of us that went through H*** are nice because we\'d never want another person to go through what we did. You didn\'t do a d** thing to deserve what happened to you, nor did anyone, the people that were supposed to care about and nurture us, failed us in the worst possible ways. My \"mother\" broke me from the beginning and still, at times, haunts me from her grave.
I know you did what you had to survive, as did so many others. My best friend is also multiple and in the very early years of our friendship beginning, we\'d spend many hours on the phone talking about what had happened to her. She is a very loving, kind, compassionate person in spite of the cruelty she endured. Even she has said, and so have some of her alters, they\'d never, ever want to do to someone any of what was done to her.
Your pain is very real, you are a beautiful person, beauty maybe externally, more importantly internally, even if you can\'t see that right now.
You feel broken because of what happened but you are still here, that says just how strong you really are.
It\'s really not a matter of someone having it worse, this is about you and how horrid things really were. This isn\'t a \"competition\" of who had it worse than someone else.
Try to see you do have good parts within you that the abusers couldn\'t destroy.
I hope you will find the strength to see the good that really is within you as well as how much courage you\'ve had and continue to have by not quitting.
Peace be with you......
I fully agree with everything immarcie said...you JayJayy DO still retain the beautiful loving light you were born with all the anger and rage covers the deep deep hurt. What happened was so sick and evil to do to a child and the pain so great you literally had to split apart to survive but here\'s the thing..I\'m betting all that anger and rage you talk about towards others and the world is nothing compared to what you think and do to yourself the people who hurt you did so long ago (I\'m guessing) as I don\'t know your age... but that abuse stopped at some point. The real issue now is what you have done since where it\'s you harming you. The primary anger not is toward yourself. Healing is really about us forgiving ourself for continuing the abuse in countless ways.... somewhere inside you is the precious child you were born as and that is the true and authentic you and she is innocent and perfect and was for some period of time before the pain caused you to split off from her that girl and all the others are faux you\'s including the angry one..no doubt finding your way back to that beautiful little girl who is perfect will be an arduous task as theres so much pain to wade through but she\'s real and still alive and waiting for you whether you think so or not as it\'s she who carries your soul which is love. I tend to think you\'ll reject all this but I needed to say it anyway because \"she\" hears it and needs to have her goodness, her beautiful innocence validated as she is very, very real and waiting for you to find and love her as she\'s always deserved but didn\'t get. She is your light just waiting to shine through you. We get back the same energy we put out to the world...anger and mistrust begets anger and mistrust...I wish you peace and sent this because I felt compelled to as your hurt and pain is so raw and I can\'t fix it but I can send my love to that small child in you this way..through these words.