Love Notes
My husband leaves me little love notes, especially on my computer keyboard where he knows I'll stumble upon them during the day. Sometimes they are notes to let me know he's gone out, where he's gone, when he'll be back and punctuated with little hearts and smiley faces. Sometimes they are "I'm sorry" notes when he knows he's upset me but he's unwilling or unable to talk to me about what's happened - or sometimes they are his way of initiating a conversation. Sometimes they are *just* "I love yous".
The notes are written on scraps of paper, on the backs of envelopes, or on 3x5 notecards I keep next to the phone for messages. They are on construction paper scraps from crafts I've done with the kids, or even on a package of M&M's he's bought to let me know he was thinking of me while he was out.
I have loved his notes - but I have also taken them for granted. I noticed when he stopped leaving them, but I didn't say or do anything. That was just before the A. When he started leaving them again, I started saving all of them, promising myself not to take them for granted. (And more twistedly so that I could shove them up the OW's nose if she ever came around... *cough*)
Today is my turn. I cut a predictable pink heart out of construction paper and glittery glued a silly red doily heart on top of it. I wrote "Happy Weekend" outside then inside "Because I get to be with you." I finished with a personalized sappy bit then signed it with my initial as I always do.
It's weird - I started to feel sort of queasy and scared while I was doing it. I couldn't think of why, at first. I don't leave him love notes -not the way he does - but I have been trying to show him affection in the ways he shows me affection realizing that often times we give what we want, not what the other person needs. So, I chalked up my uneasiness up to expressing affection in a way I don't normally.
But no... the feeling persisted and as I looked around for ways to decorate or make the card better, I briefly thought of spraying perfume on it.
And then it hit me.
When H. and I were in the first year of our romance I had written him a brief little love note and signed it with x's and o's. I sealed it in an envelope. I was big into flowery stationary and envelopes at the time and my pen even was laced with perfume-y fragrance. I finished by sealing the letter with an actual kiss, which was sort of more of a blotchy smear since I wore lipgloss not lipstick, but... well, I thought it was sweet.
Mind you, we were 19 at the time. H was extremely awkward around girls and often outright rude. I had an idealistic notion of romance garnered from romance novels and fairy tales.
I handed the note to him not in private as I probably ought to have and he opened it not in private as he ought to have. His friend teased him mercilessly. My friend snorted in disdain. He and his friend made fun of the note - the kiss - the "stink" of the perfume... right there in front of my friend and I. She could tell that my feelings were hurt and she took a sort of dualistic approach to both berate me for being such an idiot for liking him and berating him for being such an immature ass. His friend defended him and made snide comments about my friend and about me.
All in all, not the end of the world, but clearly traumatic enough to put it in my head that I SHOULD NOT GIVE HIM LOVE NOTES.
I have written him letters since then - many, many love letters. He generally would read them, offer up an awkward smile and then hug me even more awkwardly and offer a pat thanks. By the end of the day, I'd notice the letter in the trash. Rather crushing considering the (sometimes) days worth of work I would put into them. Eventually, I learned to blog the letters I wanted to write and send him the link. That way, I could express my feelings for him in a way which felt right for me and know that they were saved for posterity, but his response (or lack of) wouldn't be as upsetting to me. Over time, he stopped following my blog and stopped reading the links I would send to him.
Just like I had taken his love notes for granted, he had taken mine for granted as well.
It's so sad how we develop these bad habits. How we reject love from our partners or parents or children - sometimes unthinkingly and sometimes unknowingly. We take for granted that the expressed love does not need to be acknowledged or treasured because it will always be there.
And then one day... it's not. Or at least, it's buried under so much hurt and betrayal and devastation that it feels like it's not there anymore.
I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that today is all we have. Right now is the only place I can ever be, and I want this right now to be the best it can be. Part of that is in finding ways to express my love to him without focusing on what his reaction was in the past or might be on the future.
Before I put the card on his keyboard I added a spray of perfume to it.
The notes are written on scraps of paper, on the backs of envelopes, or on 3x5 notecards I keep next to the phone for messages. They are on construction paper scraps from crafts I've done with the kids, or even on a package of M&M's he's bought to let me know he was thinking of me while he was out.
I have loved his notes - but I have also taken them for granted. I noticed when he stopped leaving them, but I didn't say or do anything. That was just before the A. When he started leaving them again, I started saving all of them, promising myself not to take them for granted. (And more twistedly so that I could shove them up the OW's nose if she ever came around... *cough*)
Today is my turn. I cut a predictable pink heart out of construction paper and glittery glued a silly red doily heart on top of it. I wrote "Happy Weekend" outside then inside "Because I get to be with you." I finished with a personalized sappy bit then signed it with my initial as I always do.
It's weird - I started to feel sort of queasy and scared while I was doing it. I couldn't think of why, at first. I don't leave him love notes -not the way he does - but I have been trying to show him affection in the ways he shows me affection realizing that often times we give what we want, not what the other person needs. So, I chalked up my uneasiness up to expressing affection in a way I don't normally.
But no... the feeling persisted and as I looked around for ways to decorate or make the card better, I briefly thought of spraying perfume on it.
And then it hit me.
When H. and I were in the first year of our romance I had written him a brief little love note and signed it with x's and o's. I sealed it in an envelope. I was big into flowery stationary and envelopes at the time and my pen even was laced with perfume-y fragrance. I finished by sealing the letter with an actual kiss, which was sort of more of a blotchy smear since I wore lipgloss not lipstick, but... well, I thought it was sweet.
Mind you, we were 19 at the time. H was extremely awkward around girls and often outright rude. I had an idealistic notion of romance garnered from romance novels and fairy tales.
I handed the note to him not in private as I probably ought to have and he opened it not in private as he ought to have. His friend teased him mercilessly. My friend snorted in disdain. He and his friend made fun of the note - the kiss - the "stink" of the perfume... right there in front of my friend and I. She could tell that my feelings were hurt and she took a sort of dualistic approach to both berate me for being such an idiot for liking him and berating him for being such an immature ass. His friend defended him and made snide comments about my friend and about me.
All in all, not the end of the world, but clearly traumatic enough to put it in my head that I SHOULD NOT GIVE HIM LOVE NOTES.
I have written him letters since then - many, many love letters. He generally would read them, offer up an awkward smile and then hug me even more awkwardly and offer a pat thanks. By the end of the day, I'd notice the letter in the trash. Rather crushing considering the (sometimes) days worth of work I would put into them. Eventually, I learned to blog the letters I wanted to write and send him the link. That way, I could express my feelings for him in a way which felt right for me and know that they were saved for posterity, but his response (or lack of) wouldn't be as upsetting to me. Over time, he stopped following my blog and stopped reading the links I would send to him.
Just like I had taken his love notes for granted, he had taken mine for granted as well.
It's so sad how we develop these bad habits. How we reject love from our partners or parents or children - sometimes unthinkingly and sometimes unknowingly. We take for granted that the expressed love does not need to be acknowledged or treasured because it will always be there.
And then one day... it's not. Or at least, it's buried under so much hurt and betrayal and devastation that it feels like it's not there anymore.
I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that today is all we have. Right now is the only place I can ever be, and I want this right now to be the best it can be. Part of that is in finding ways to express my love to him without focusing on what his reaction was in the past or might be on the future.
Before I put the card on his keyboard I added a spray of perfume to it.
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