Love/Fear
Yesterday my children called me and told me their Dad has a cancerous tumor on him pancreas and two on his liver. I was in total shock. He has never been a smoker and not much of a drinker; his Dad just turned 94, so I pretty much thought longevity was in his genes. Anyway, they are grieving right now and shockingly, I am grieving also. He is 67; too young.
Our marriage was not a pretty situation and I had a lot to do with that; of course it takes two. He has pretty much been a hands off Dad and I did most of the raising of the children. I can understand a lot of this because his Dad (whom I do like) was a hand off Dad also. Over the years I have been beside myself with anger and rage at his absence in my kids life; yet at the same time I have always wished he would change and come around. He has been married 4 times and it seems the women seem to come first in his life. Yet, oddly, there is something you can't help but like about him.
I would say in these past few years, the kids and him have become closer; my son says he has forgiven him and has enjoyed his company when he comes home from Florida for visits. I think my daughter is still in a state of confusion and as she says "she is trying to process all of this."
I do know from my experience with my parents death, it brings up everything. And that 'everything', for me, involved a lot of 'if only' and 'guilt'. I can't speak for them, but I see that happening right now.
I am shocked at all the feelings I am having with this.
Last night I had a dream Dale (the kids Dad) and I were together; Love was present. We were in a camping area and for some reason decided to separate. I got lost in a place that I would describe as a Wilderness or a Forest; ended up in an old, old, old, farm house. I was so frightened, petrified as to how I was going to find my way home. I decided to pack a suitcase, take a blanket in case I had to sleep outside if I couldn't find home, take a bottle of water out of the refrigerator, and get out before someone got home and found me there and hurt me. The next things I knew, car lights were coming up the driveway and I woke up petrified.
Anyway, as I sit with this dream this morning, I cried as I realized how much FEAR I am in when I SEPARATE myself from my True Nature, my God Nature...LOVE. When I am outside of this, I am petrified, so afraid. So, my lesson is as I work on more forgiveness of self and the kids Dad; as I continue to go thru this process with my kids; my prayer will be that I stay connected and guided by this Source of LOVE and not get caught up in my FEAR.
I will ALLOW myself to have all my feelings, experience grief, cry, whatever. I will use this situation as another opportunity to grow into the Love that I am, and remember my kids and their Dad has that same Love in them.
Again, I am shocked at all the feelings that are coming up with this. My heart goes out to my kids, their Dad, his family (whom I am also close to) and his wife, Deb.
Have a blessed Friday everyone. I am watching RoRo this afternoon and headed to a surprise 40th birthday party for my daughter late afternoon. Healing, healing, healing.
xo
Vicki
Our marriage was not a pretty situation and I had a lot to do with that; of course it takes two. He has pretty much been a hands off Dad and I did most of the raising of the children. I can understand a lot of this because his Dad (whom I do like) was a hand off Dad also. Over the years I have been beside myself with anger and rage at his absence in my kids life; yet at the same time I have always wished he would change and come around. He has been married 4 times and it seems the women seem to come first in his life. Yet, oddly, there is something you can't help but like about him.
I would say in these past few years, the kids and him have become closer; my son says he has forgiven him and has enjoyed his company when he comes home from Florida for visits. I think my daughter is still in a state of confusion and as she says "she is trying to process all of this."
I do know from my experience with my parents death, it brings up everything. And that 'everything', for me, involved a lot of 'if only' and 'guilt'. I can't speak for them, but I see that happening right now.
I am shocked at all the feelings I am having with this.
Last night I had a dream Dale (the kids Dad) and I were together; Love was present. We were in a camping area and for some reason decided to separate. I got lost in a place that I would describe as a Wilderness or a Forest; ended up in an old, old, old, farm house. I was so frightened, petrified as to how I was going to find my way home. I decided to pack a suitcase, take a blanket in case I had to sleep outside if I couldn't find home, take a bottle of water out of the refrigerator, and get out before someone got home and found me there and hurt me. The next things I knew, car lights were coming up the driveway and I woke up petrified.
Anyway, as I sit with this dream this morning, I cried as I realized how much FEAR I am in when I SEPARATE myself from my True Nature, my God Nature...LOVE. When I am outside of this, I am petrified, so afraid. So, my lesson is as I work on more forgiveness of self and the kids Dad; as I continue to go thru this process with my kids; my prayer will be that I stay connected and guided by this Source of LOVE and not get caught up in my FEAR.
I will ALLOW myself to have all my feelings, experience grief, cry, whatever. I will use this situation as another opportunity to grow into the Love that I am, and remember my kids and their Dad has that same Love in them.
Again, I am shocked at all the feelings that are coming up with this. My heart goes out to my kids, their Dad, his family (whom I am also close to) and his wife, Deb.
Have a blessed Friday everyone. I am watching RoRo this afternoon and headed to a surprise 40th birthday party for my daughter late afternoon. Healing, healing, healing.
xo
Vicki
Replies
Sending you my biggest virtual hug Vicki. It is really tough to hear that someone important in your/or your kids life is sick. It brings about many feelings and pain is one of them. Pain is not easy to sit with. I am very uncomfortable with emotion pain. You are very brave Vicki. Wishing you a lovely time with Ro Ro and at the 40th party xx
I am really shocked I am feeling this way Rosie; it has really affected me. I am NOT trying to figure it out, I am simply letting \"it be!\" Thank you for the hugs, I will set back and graciously receive them! xo
Yes, as much accepting & healing love sent your way, from me too. These un-\"expected\" shocks wake me up too by reminding me of my resistance to my lack of control. I\'m sure you will float with your feelings for awhile downstream, instead of trying to stop the River of Life from doing it\'s thing. All the hopes of what could\'ve, would\'ve, should\'ve must be let go now. Sad.
This reminds me of the insight I shared with my clients yesterday; that as codependents, we were all battered by being expected to be someone else besides who we are by our parents and caregivers, but now let me ask my friends here, how many of you, like me, have wanted our parents to be different from who they are, or were. We we not expecting and doing the same thing to them as we feel was done to us? Can we finally accept them az they are or were, instead of how we would have preferred then to be?
Blessings. Have a great Friday with Roro!
I have reached a forgiveness place with my parents. I really believe e\'thing in life has a balance if were willing to see it. Something that helped me during my process of \'accepting and no longer expecting\' was finding the good things that came from them. i.e. I have a great work ethic; I have a lot of perseverance; I ham a very giving person; I have a respect for all races; I am a good cook; I am good with money; I have a love for animals; I have an appreciation for nature, etc. These are just a few things I love about me and my parents had a lot to do with that. So, for me, I not longer \'expect\' them to be any way other than what they are. Such a relief. Happy Saturday. I am looking forward to a Spiritual Group meeting/lunch I have at 11:00. My little RoRo is crawling. xo
Uh-oh, crawling? I hope you baby-proofed your lower cabinets and electrical outlets. I just had a flash-back to my daddy-days.
We can all feel your Roro joy.
XO
Rich: He just started really crawling last night. Tomorrow I will be headed to Menards or Lowes to get baby-proof stuff! Yes, I love that little guy! Have a fun time at the store. You will be making your Saturday trip to the store, right? xo
No, I\'m at Starlite today for our Alumni Reunion. Past clients who are still sober return and mingle. Tomorrow is C. Circle, & two private clients. Monday is my day off, or shopping, Yippee!
Have fun shopping!
Hope you had a good time at Starlite and have a good time at C. Circle today. Great for two private clients! I am resting today and doing very little. Maybe go for a walk; beautiful here. xo
Yesterday was a satisfying experience. Two bowls of vanilla ice-cream was a break in my self-discipline though .
I changed my \"reminder\" alarm to, \"allow others to experience their feelings, stop projecting my beliefs\". I\'m practicing not rescuing OTHERS from MY empathetic feelings! Doh!!! (in the Homer Simpson vernacular) My emotional trigger is \'automatically\' pulled when I [MY perception of THEIR negative feelings] is expressing duress, stress, unhappiness, fear, anxiety, threatened homeostasis. Evidently my amygdala perceives other\'s feelings as it\'s own. This is infantile, or from infancy, in mother-child bonding, in that mum () wasn\'t there to calm me by reading my distress-fears when they needed calming. It\'s like ducklings and chicks imprinting needs for security before the hippocampus becomes developed enough for learning to determine real or imagined life threats. OR, I bonded (emotionally perceived) HER negative energy and wanted to calm HER because I was feeling her feelings! In any case, I want to rewire that sympathetic reaction in order to not try to rescue myself from what others are feeling. It\'s teaching my self to regulate my own feelings as separate from others. I want to change my emotional-sensitivity \'thermostat\' to a lower trigger/alarm setting.
Does that make sense? \"I don\'t have to be alarmed just because someone else is\"? I am not controlling MY feelings, something outside of me IS! Or I am still allowing it to happen, believing I am helpless. I\'m not helpless, I am under-trained. Phooey...