Lovely.
Just found out that tomorrow H will likely be working w OW. Due to the nature of his business, it's hard to say whether or not she will be the one assigned to him or if it'll be someone else from her office. It's highly likely it'll be her.
He handled everything "right" - the way we have agreed he would when this situation comes up. He found out as he was getting off work so he did wait until he got home to tell me, but pretty much he told me as soon as he found out. He was calm and rational and offered up all of the details he had, though they were few. He also kept offering physical and verbal reassurances. In fact, he kept asking what he could do for me and trying to make things better.
Unfortunately, I don't think he can.
At one point, he said, "I just want you to be OK." I so badly wanted to snap at him that I'd he had cared so much about me being OK he wouldn't have had the affair in the fist place. I didn't. I have worked hard to keep the past in the past and we've driven that road too many times, as is. I realized its not the affair, per se, but that he still works with her. We have been brainstorming and he has taken steps to try to change this (no word on the promotion, yet) but it still hurts. So, my response was merely, "I am not OK. It hurts me deeply when you work with her. Nothing will ever change that." It was honest without blaming, which is what I was aiming for. Definitely stifled any fighting that would have otherwise occurred.
But. I'm still not OK.
I guess this proves we need to move when/if he gets this promotion. I'm not keen on losing my house that we have put so much time, money, and love into, but much better than losing our marriage or my sanity. I wonder if someone had grabbed him and pulled him aside as she was taking off his clothes and said, "Dude! Are you serious?? You are going to destroy your family if you do this! Two of your kids are going to end up in counseling, your wife may leave you, even if she does stay this will cause you financial ruin and you're going to have to move away..." if he would have stopped himself. Or I'd he would have gone for it anyway, consequences be damned.
Guess we'll never know.
He handled everything "right" - the way we have agreed he would when this situation comes up. He found out as he was getting off work so he did wait until he got home to tell me, but pretty much he told me as soon as he found out. He was calm and rational and offered up all of the details he had, though they were few. He also kept offering physical and verbal reassurances. In fact, he kept asking what he could do for me and trying to make things better.
Unfortunately, I don't think he can.
At one point, he said, "I just want you to be OK." I so badly wanted to snap at him that I'd he had cared so much about me being OK he wouldn't have had the affair in the fist place. I didn't. I have worked hard to keep the past in the past and we've driven that road too many times, as is. I realized its not the affair, per se, but that he still works with her. We have been brainstorming and he has taken steps to try to change this (no word on the promotion, yet) but it still hurts. So, my response was merely, "I am not OK. It hurts me deeply when you work with her. Nothing will ever change that." It was honest without blaming, which is what I was aiming for. Definitely stifled any fighting that would have otherwise occurred.
But. I'm still not OK.
I guess this proves we need to move when/if he gets this promotion. I'm not keen on losing my house that we have put so much time, money, and love into, but much better than losing our marriage or my sanity. I wonder if someone had grabbed him and pulled him aside as she was taking off his clothes and said, "Dude! Are you serious?? You are going to destroy your family if you do this! Two of your kids are going to end up in counseling, your wife may leave you, even if she does stay this will cause you financial ruin and you're going to have to move away..." if he would have stopped himself. Or I'd he would have gone for it anyway, consequences be damned.
Guess we'll never know.
Replies
I\'m sorry Allora and I know how you feel. My H used to work w/OW and they are in the same field w/a possibility of running into each other. My bigest nightmare. Will your H have to be w/her all day? Can he call you during the day while he\'s with he and could you meet him for lunch? I\'d definitly tell him no lunch w/her. How close will they be (ie driving in car).
Yeah if our H\'s knew then what they know now I\'d bet my life they would never have dropped their pants. My h says I\'m the worst person to have an A on because I\'ve always been obessive w/my thoughts. I have to wonder if the shoe was on the other foot how he\'d react.
Im glad your H was so upfront and bothered by working w/OW. His actions show his remorse and willingness to rebuild. Sending you support.
Thank you cecbpc. The nature of this beast is that there is no knowing how long H will be there. Possibly all day or maybe for a few hours. H\'s contribution only will take 30 minutes or so but he has to be there hanging out until they finally need him.
Thankfully, he will be able to text/call until he is actually \"up to bat\" so to speak, which is good. If they don\'t call him up to present by lunch, he is going back to his own office to wait - where I can wait with him. Technically, I could go with him anyway, but I suspect that would only cause more drama and trauma.
The worst part of this is not that I logically think he is going to run away with her or sneak off to some supply closet. It\'s the simple fact that I have to be reminded of her and all that went before. Out of sight, out of mind. Kinda hard to do when she is not out of sight.
Tonight we find out if he got his promotion. I already bought the champagne. If he didn\'t get it, we will still drink the whole bottle and unwind. I suspect we will both need it.
Right, you know your in a good place but the idea of her even being around him even a glimpse is a reminder of what was for not just you but your H and OW and you don\'t want to validate it, recognize it, or make it more than it was. You know what I mean?
I hope your H gets the promotion and like the idea of your plans for the night. I hope you have something to do today to keep your mind active and not focused on your H\'s day.
Hi Allora,
That is a bummer. My ex got it on with his receptionist at the christmas do one year. My friend came over to be with me every year when he went to his work xmas do after that.
I have liked to see your valentine\'s message from him though and to hear that he has handled this situation correctly and sensitively. Hang in there Allora. I see something worth fighting for. Take him in your arms, hold him tight and tell him how very much you love him.
I DO love him. Yesterday was hard but I kept reminding myself that I can\'t keep punishing him for what happened.
We STILL didn\'t find out about his promotion. I suspect we shall have to wait another week. After stressing all day about OW and them not finding out about the promotion, I was just frazzled.
I did meet up with H for lunch. He said it helped him feel better seeing me (he was stressed, too) but I felt tepid about seeing him. I had purchased champagne and a card to give him when he got home to congratulate him on the promotion (and a different card if he didn\'t get it) but since he didn\'t get it out plans were derailed.
Instead, as soon as he got home, I told him to gather an overnight bag and we escaped to a local bed and breakfast for the night. So much better. For both of us. I haven\'t slept so well in aged. H is still quietly snoring next to me.
So good to find peaceful moments to lean on when things get stressful.