Lots has happened, my reasons for not coming back to DS
So I was planning on never coming back on DS and I think I still stand by my decision. But I thought maybe I'll explain why because after all the love I've been given through this site I wanted to give a reason for my disappearing altogether.
Last year what I thought was a negative IVF cycle was not. It was my 3rd fresh IVF cycle and 5th transfer. I was pregnant, I just didn't know. Nobody did, because it was ectopic. My tube ruptured, I nearly lost my life with internal haemorrhaging and after an emergency surgery that almost didn't happen I survived and my unborn little baby didn't.
It's been a tough recovery, emotionally and physically and the emotional wounds still run deep. I've now lost 2 pregnancies, 2 little ones that almost made it but didn't, 2 times I almost was a Mum but am not. In a span of one year I've lost 2 babies.
I can't really explain to you the pain I feel everyday. It hurts, hurts really really bad. My AMH count was 10, I'm 27 and that's below average for my age, after the surgery it's most likely less but I still have to take another blood test to find out.
So why am I leaving DS? Well, because it isn't helping me anymore.
When I started this journey, I started with a whole bunch of women at the same stage that I was, either starting their second IVF journey or just starting IVF altogether. That's where I was too. Now, all those women have become pregnant with viable pregnancies or given birth to beautiful babies. I'm left on this journey not experiencing any of that. I'm now, I feel, a veteran on my 5th transfer (when I get the courage to try again). Also, I should probably add it will be my 4th fresh IVF cycle. (I don't get any eggs frozen usually). So a whole new cycle takes a whole lot out of me every time vs. an FET cycle. Man I wish I had more FET cycles, maybe I wouldn't be so tired if I did. But you can't control everything right?
Anyways I ramble, like I said, it's not helping anymore. The more I log on the anxious I get that my turn hasn't come and the more anxious I get that newcomers will get pregnant before me. I don't have much in this empty jar to give support right now the way you all deserve and I'm not feeling better by being here anymore either. So yeah, those are my reasons why I have decided to leave DS for good.
I wanted to end my time here with a thank you. I feel bad that I don't have the emotional capacity to stay and provide support but I just don't have any to give. I want to thank everyone who may still be here following me and the ones who may not, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the support during the last 2 years. I have really appreciated it, it has helped me through some really dark times. I also wish you all luck and love in the future. I hope all your baby dreams come true because we all deserve to be Mums.
Last year what I thought was a negative IVF cycle was not. It was my 3rd fresh IVF cycle and 5th transfer. I was pregnant, I just didn't know. Nobody did, because it was ectopic. My tube ruptured, I nearly lost my life with internal haemorrhaging and after an emergency surgery that almost didn't happen I survived and my unborn little baby didn't.
It's been a tough recovery, emotionally and physically and the emotional wounds still run deep. I've now lost 2 pregnancies, 2 little ones that almost made it but didn't, 2 times I almost was a Mum but am not. In a span of one year I've lost 2 babies.
I can't really explain to you the pain I feel everyday. It hurts, hurts really really bad. My AMH count was 10, I'm 27 and that's below average for my age, after the surgery it's most likely less but I still have to take another blood test to find out.
So why am I leaving DS? Well, because it isn't helping me anymore.
When I started this journey, I started with a whole bunch of women at the same stage that I was, either starting their second IVF journey or just starting IVF altogether. That's where I was too. Now, all those women have become pregnant with viable pregnancies or given birth to beautiful babies. I'm left on this journey not experiencing any of that. I'm now, I feel, a veteran on my 5th transfer (when I get the courage to try again). Also, I should probably add it will be my 4th fresh IVF cycle. (I don't get any eggs frozen usually). So a whole new cycle takes a whole lot out of me every time vs. an FET cycle. Man I wish I had more FET cycles, maybe I wouldn't be so tired if I did. But you can't control everything right?
Anyways I ramble, like I said, it's not helping anymore. The more I log on the anxious I get that my turn hasn't come and the more anxious I get that newcomers will get pregnant before me. I don't have much in this empty jar to give support right now the way you all deserve and I'm not feeling better by being here anymore either. So yeah, those are my reasons why I have decided to leave DS for good.
I wanted to end my time here with a thank you. I feel bad that I don't have the emotional capacity to stay and provide support but I just don't have any to give. I want to thank everyone who may still be here following me and the ones who may not, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the support during the last 2 years. I have really appreciated it, it has helped me through some really dark times. I also wish you all luck and love in the future. I hope all your baby dreams come true because we all deserve to be Mums.
Replies
I\'m so sorry, and I want you to know that I understand exactly how you feel. It\'s heart-wrenching when you see women who get pregnant in one round of IVF when you\'ve struggled through many more for so much longer. And it\'s not that their journeys weren\'t terrible and don\'t count, but dammit, why can\'t we ALL be that lucky??? I\'m sorry about your ectopic and I\'m sorry that the universe has such a sick sense of humor. I think of you often, and I know that you\'re going to get your miracle.
For what it\'s worth, my fifth transfer was the magic one. I hope your fifth transfer brings you everything you ever wanted. I\'m always around if you need to talk! XOXOXOXO
I\'m sorry to see you go, but I completely understand. Do what you need to do to protect your heart ... I think of you often, and I pray for your miracle to come soon. Take care of yourself *HUGS*
sorry to see you go....i know its easy to say but you will get there..i have been here are few years and seen women who have not chance of getting pregnant and they have....take care...
Sorry to hear about this but I totally understand ! please take good care of yourself!