Lost soul

So its like 1:28 am where I am . I'm lying here on my bed . everything was fine. Everything was going well. But then I started thumbing through my sisters fb photos and saw pics of our mom and her dad . then it dawned on me I don't have any pics of our mom with my dad. I have to say I've been feeling really lost lately and now its even worse . I have BPD and I have very strong abandonment issues. My worst fear is being alone and dying alone. But anyways I realized I don't know anything about my parents relationship at all except they couldn't stand one another. My mom passed away from cancer in 1994 I think it was and my dad passed away April of 2017 . on my 40th birthday my dad calls me up.. He was drinking as usual and he told me I wasn't his kid. I got so mad at him for that omg. I was like dude you could've said this while mama was alive so I can verify this. I know I'm his because I look like my mom and his mom had a kid and made me. So I didn't speak to him for like nine years. One day my sister calls me and says she has his number if I want to call him so I wrote it down.. Something kept nagging at me about calling him but I was like oh hell no cause after all that time I was still mad as hell.. One day my sister calls and asks where my roommate was and as I was outside smoking I said I guess she's in the house. She told me to call her outside but my roommate is practically deaf and didn't hear me  I didn't like the tone in my sisters voice so I asked her what's wrong please tell me. She was hesitant but as Mel wasn't coming she says Tray they found your daddy dead this morning . I told her she was a f***ing liar . So she got my aunt and she said he was dead. When I was young I worshiped the ground he walked on even if I rarely got to see him in my entire life I saw him maybe a handful of time but I have wonderful memories of fishing with him amongst other things I think every precious moment I had with him is burned into my brain. I loved him so much.. But apparently not enough because I couldn't swallow my stubborn ass pride and call him and tell him I love him and now its too late . my daddy the man I worshipped as a child .  the person I loved most in the world died thinking I hate him. I feel lost I'm so lonely on this earth.  I live with my sister because I have no home of my own and we don't really talk we just stay in our rooms doing our own things.. I don't have any friends I can just go hang out with and stuff.. I feel so alone. I really need someone to wrap their arms round me and make me feel loved. But I don't have that so I lay here alone in the dark with nothing but my cell light crying my eyes out feeling alone and hurting. Wishing my life weren't so f***ed up. Well gotta run now . PS if you're reading this yes I am just as crazy as I sound.