lost in myself.

Today was a day filled with wollowing in self pitty. Ever once and a while I have a hard day and can't seem to find motivation to live life let alone change out of my pajamas. 

When I was 18 I broke my back. It has healed and I have been doing very well for years. Being a mobile therapist, I spent years sitting - in my car, in clients houses, and the office..... In working nights at sheetz, I am on my feet all night long. My back is not strongenough, and after several months of this, my back has slipped. A vertebre is out of place and there are times that I cannot feel my feet and legs. The pain becomes to severe I annot hear or focus on what is going on. 

I want to go to the Dr, but Obama care (the affordable care act) prevents me from doing that. Prior to the affordable care act, I paid for excelenet health insurance for all 5 of us. I paid just over $400s a month for us, and it coverd just about everything you could think of. It had to because I have had these back issues and I have had cancer. Once the affordable care act was put into place, my policy was cancelled because as the letter stated to us from the government, I made too much money to spend so little on health care and needed to be charged more. I now pay $230 a month for insurance that does nothing but allows me to not get charged at the end of the year for not paying insurance because no Drs take it and so the few times I have had to go, I had to pay 100% out of pocket for all services renderd. I was hoping that when Matt got a job with the state that I could get on his insurance so I could fix my carple tunnel and get to a demitologist about my cancer - whichis way overdue since I no longer could afford to keep going with this non-insurance. But... I can't. It is a state policy that if there s other insurance available to a person in the family that they cannot et on the stste insurance and have to take the other altertive. And now that everyone is able to get goernment health care, I get to stay on my wonderful governemnt policy. 

So I live inpain each day and can hardly move at times because I cannot feel my feel and legs. I haluciate because the pain affects my head at times. And I can's type or write, or hold utencils on my own. ..... yes that's right. I am a writer who loves to write to help myself deal with stress and cannot write.  I am working making food, and can't even hold the knives, spatulas, papers, .... you name it. I get yelled at all the time about dropping things at work, but I'm not sure what to tell them. 

things with the farm are getting worse. Connie sabatagouged the deal she said she wanted and now wants to devide up the farm. Everything she has offered is so piecemeal that it is crazy and will never sell in those parts, ust because she knows she can't afford the farm and doesn't want to admit it. 

........ 

I may never be a therapist again - which is what I am fantastic at - because of some new stupid rule that I don't think is a valid rule. 

My family needs money to survive.... I am lost. 

:) Susie