Lost-I'm not the same person I used to be-I can't follow thru on even simple things to help myself

Im so ashamed of who I've become. I'm 42 & hv bn diagnosed w a brain injury & ADD &,I've been stuck in a helpless state where I can't do some basic things to help myself the last 3-4 yrs. if I didn't know how I felt inside & how I truly hv no control over my motivation to do things tht involve cOmplicated decision-making, I would judge Myslf & think I was just a whiner. Ive nvr bn tolerant of people tht just seemed to be negative, complaining & didn't seem to be helping themselves so I've learned my lesson not to judge others, but I hv absolutely no empathy or patience for my own stuckness & cognitive shut down. I used to be a very social person but hv isolated myself b/c it's embarrassing & shameful to be complaining abt the same problems over the yrs, as if I've done nothing to fix them (but in reality drs, therapists, friends, my mom, husband & kids hv regularly validated how they've nvr seen anyone try such a variety of things to fix/improve the myriad of health & neuropsychiatric issues ive struggled w for yrs. while I really appreciate their validation & support, what I really need is to see improvement/things starting to get better. That's all I care abt. I'm someone who used to pride myself on being an effective problem solver but I've become stuck. To a nOrmally functioning brain, getting unstuck doesn't seem so complicated


My emotions & thoughts overpower my mind so much tht I'm in such a preoccupied state all the time tht I hvnt bn able to do the things & hv the upbeat demeanor to feel like a good mother, wife & daughter & the Shame abt this probably paralyzed me the most. I love my 3 young childrn, my mom & hubby but living in a small, cluttered townhouse w so many
People & my brain needs simplicity & order to
Be able to function & we are all messies--I walk around my townhouse often in
A state of confusion, distraction & indecision.

I know things tht wld help me, such as hvng a bigger house (I've already gotten rid of all tht I can possibly get rid of) (but there's no way we can afford it) or getting a job to get me out of the house, get us out of poverty, & get my self-esteem back, but getting a job is so competitive & overwhelming, I remain stuck.

If someone would just magically give me a job tht was suited to me, I cldve gone back to work & gotten off disability prob yrs ago, but I'm paralyzed by all the time I've spent trying to find jobs, to no avail so I can't motivate myself to try anymore.

I used to be ahead of the game w computer skills but
I've bn out of the workforce for so long & now computers trigger intense anxiety
& shut down.

I just need a simple paper and pencil life or simple job w/o computer problems.

I get angry & panicky so quickly b/c of my bad experiences w computer issues the last 4 yrs tht
My neighbor brought her laptop over today for me to help her w some things & the pull-down menus & everything is so diff than it was not tht long ago in MS Word, tht I cldnt figure out how to find out how to Save As & I cldnt find a Help menu & I finally found smthng tht referred to Save As & it stated to use the Save As dialogue box, but then the idiotic people who wrote tht up didn't bother to mention how to find the Save As dialogue box!!! If I knew where the Save As dialogue box was, I wldnt need those instructions! Then I end up getting overly angry at such idiocy.

I've just lost all patience to spend a lot of time & energy figuring out how to do things tht I knew for yrs how to do. I feel like an 80 yr old technophobe--I hv such anxiety over so many computer, Fios/TV, & cell phone issues & I know things are only to change more so I HAVE to find ways to overcome these frustrations & phobias.

Well, ive rambled on enough. It'll b a miracle if anyone reads all this ranting. Thank u to anyone reading thid