Lost Dad

This morning I had sent a message to one of my friends then checked my cell phone and discovered that I received phone call from a cousin in another state. My dad lived at her place until this morning. He died from having cancer in the stomach, and had other health problems. I just spoke with him yesterday morning while my mother was seeing the doctor (I was sitting in the lobby waiting for my mother when I made the call). I did not know that that would be my last time hearing his voice.

When he became ill on April the 8th, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I called one of my relatives who told me that he was hospitalized since Sunday April the 8th. I thought that he would get better and return back home like before. I did not think for a minute that he would be in the hospital for a week, then had to stay with his neice (my cousin). When he got out of the hospital, he went to my cousin's home then had to return back to the hospital. He was at my cousin's home for a whole week until I had to go back into the hospital. This time I recieve a call from my cousin. She told me that the doctors did all they could for him, there was nothing else they could do for him not even give him chemotherapy. She said that she asked many questions but did not get anywhere. She said that the family wanted to have a phone chat with me on the phone and discuss my dad's wishes. His last wish in the hospital was to go home and spend time with family, have a rocking chair on the porch and die around family. Sadly to say, I could not be there because I live in another state, no money, health problems of my own and care for my mother and have to do other things. This morning I spoke with a friend who said that my decision was smart because the state my family live in have the virus real bad. I would not want to travel with sad thoughts and knowing that I will get sick. I have a brother who lives nearby say to me that he will meet me at the airport but now he is having problems of his own. His daughter has to be quarinetine at his home, Why? I don't know. My sister's son had the virus (they live in another state not the same one as my family and brother).

Dad had just turned 80 years old in March of this year. I recall him telling me how he was scared about the virus breaking out, when he spoke with his doctor about concerns about his health. I was told by my cousins that he would not take care of himself. I just thought it was odd how sound so strong yesterday at 11:00 am then I receive a call this morning about his passing. Damn I had heard so many confusing news about what was going on with him. One of the things I was told is that I should not call his cell phone because he was too weak to answer it but he called me on it, I was told that I should call my cousin's home and that there would be others there to answer the phone because my dad would not be able to answer it. Instead he was the one who answered it two times when I called him in the last few days.

I am feeling numb and scared like mess.