Lost & Confused

I really don't know where to start. I'm depressed over a break-up that happened 5 months ago. A mutual break-up because we both knew it was best as we wanted different things in life. I was doing well, focusing on my daughter, and, despite the fact that I missed him, was happy that I was finally figuring out who I was. But, over the past few weeks (ever since I found out he still loved me even though he can't be with me), I've been so anxious and so depressed. I love him and I miss him. We live in a small town and I can't go anywhere without seeing reminders of us. I realized the other day that I've become anti-social and hate leaving my house because I'm afraid I'll run into him and I'm "safe" at home. I don't have the energy - or even the desire - to do anything I don't have to do (work and take care of my daughter). I know that I need to be in church and that it always makes me feel better yet I can't make myself go. I don't want to be around people because "what if" I start to have an anxiety attack and have no way to "hide". I have Xanax that I use as needed but, it seems that I need it more and more, which I hate. I try to control my anxiety on an emotional level but I'm outdone by the physical symptoms I can't control. I feel like I'm bi-polar because I'll be happy one day and depressed the next; however, I think it is just where I am trying to stay focused and positive but, sometimes, I just don't have the mental/emotional strength to do that. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I feel completely unable to be self-disciplined and "in control" of my life/emotions/thoughts etc. I'm haunted by happy memories I miss more than I can say and even my dreams haunt me. Part of me either doesn't want to or can't let go, but I don't know why, and it is driving me insane. I'm still trying to figure out this sight but thought I would take advantage of the opportunity to journal. Thank you to all who cared enough to read this.