Lost
Chump dump logics are loudest in my head this morning. Hubs remains the love of my life, but I amnae really believing he will ever have real time for me in his busy, busy life. As he speaks of retirement, waxing poetic over his beloved bees, diminishing my lifetime of nature studies with his growing, socially heralded expertise, I shrink further into myself with the too many clues that the bee net will replace his company's internet in his busy buzz. He will always bee too busy to notice much about my life or accomplishments. I don't expect children, not even middle-aged children, to notice such things about Mother. Do any of us really know our parents beyond parent-child *simplicity*?
Once again, the proverbial gilded cage feels like the best hubs has to offer. Smile pretty for the camera, *young* inexperienced lady. Ply your not working hobbies here, Mother. It's your not working duty.
Once again, I believe I am choosing between being lost and being trapped. Sorting. . .
Replies
I amnae really envious of Hubs' social/performing skills. I feel twinges of envy sometimes during my rock 'n' roll fantasies, but I havenae enjoyed my moments in the limelight. I am a behind-the-scenes kind of gal. I likes my privacy.
Jealousy, perhaps. Hubs is fully unavailable to me when he is in performance mode, before, during and after the performance. He is a charming performer. Any performance gets old after the first half a decade of watching it. 37th anniversary around the corner. There is not a doubt in my mind that he is far from me for the entirety of his performance process.
Grammatical footnote. Jealousy is the fear of loss. Envy is the desire to possess.
chewing on your words today, reading self-doubts of worth/accomplishments?
Perhaps being away has lead to feeling of isolation lack of in person communication and one on one connection as you prefer? Perhaps poetry reading tonight would bring some comfort? Thinking also of your start in life, amazing accomplishments and intellect, more probable than not, in the genius level....
Your choice to remain in the shadow, where you feel safe and observing...questioning what would cause envy? Jealousy for me is 'not having what I want, while someone else has...could I have if I wanted...sure, but I'd have to work for obtaining said envy behavior/stuff etc. Among the miles of driving, thoughts can take over, as you are a 'physical person, needing to move', perhaps those questioning self-esteems are not valid At All....travel safe! Hope you got a good rest last night...self-care is really important now with all the challenges and transitions...my best to you. ml
Hugs
No life is perfect, I think we're all doing pretty good even if we only get a part of what we wanted.
Landed in Muskogee for no other reason than I like the way the name rolls off my tongue and can say it without risk of mockery from the locals, thanks to the country song. Well. . . The only local I have actually tried it on is from India. Been fooled by country music before. Had the misfortune of visiting Abilene. So much for believing Hank's insistence that country music is three chords and the truth.
My mind is feeling much clearer this evening. Planning to take a scenic route through the northern Ozark mountains tomorrow. Got to Muskogee early enough today that I already have the exit route mapped.
Love the Ozarks. Humble beauty a-rolling. . . Water, water, everywhere!