Lost

I used to be the strong person that gave everyone else advice. Now im falling apart. Long story short, i met a man online that presented himself as single but, after i moved in, revealed that he was happily married and wants to be with both of us. (His wife AND me.) Believing that he is my soul mate, i have stayed with him and am trying to make it work. The problem is i feel horrible. It's like a slow torture. Ive actually started cutting. I cannot see my life without him (because he's supposed to be my "one"). But, i also feel so insignificant and worthless because he has his wife and their two kids and they have a life theyve built together and years of history, and family, etc. And i am the dirty little secret, that does everything wrong because its not the way they usually do it. I want to be held so badly, and to feel like i am important, but he has a way of rejecting me everytime i invest myself into the relationship. (Making me feel like he'd rather be anywhere else than with me during a date night, telling me his wife does it different and that he prefers it her way when i do something for him...etc). He also doesnt understand how badly i want him to hold me...how badly i want to feel that theres another person there. That im not alone. He keeps telling me to get out of my feelings because its hard for everyone. But i feel like hes getting what he want, two women, and she agreed to play along with his lie for whatever reason, so they didnt care about my feelings, why should i feel bad for how i feel. But then, i accept that its probably me...im probably a bad person and im just playing the victim in my head...because good people dont get lied to and played, and become a "sidechick" when i really wanted to be a wife...