Loss

Today is Wednesday 10-11-17.  I am deeply saddened because I lost my dad on Friday 10-6-17.  I am also deeply troubled because I haven't really grieved his death like I know I should or would normally do.  I am normally a very emotional person but for some reason I have not really been able to cry and grieve like I know I need to.  I have tried to be strong for my mom, sister, daughter, and grandkids and I have been.  Now I feel like it is time for me to be able to grieve properly and I haven't been able to so I am really starting to get concerned.  I know it is not healthy to hold in grief and tears but the tears simply won't come.  Yes I cried a little at the memorial service and when I went to my counselor but nothing like I know I should be.  I am afraid that if I don't let go soon and grieve like I need to that it could be a danger to my sobriety.  That stuff has to and will come out somehow.  It also scares me that when it does come out it will be somewhere inappropriate and I will be a blubbering mess and embarrass myself horribly.  The danger to my sobriety is probably the most concerning for me though.  At this point in my life I do not have another relapse in me.  I am 9 years clean and sober and have a job where I counsel with others in recovery.  Frankly the whole thing just scares me to death.  I am talking with my best friends and my counselor about this but so far nothing.  I do have to say that they are very protective of me and very supportive and understanding.  Fortunately one of my best friends is also my boss at work.  For now I am living with my mother and I will stay with her until she is much much better and I feel that she can live on her own safely.  At that point I will move back into my little "apartment" at work and get on with my life.