Losing it
I am such a mess today. All over the map emotionally. Crying, mad, exhausted.
Went and bought H all new underwear today. Yesterday when folding the laundry out of nowhere it hit me that I wonder which underwear he was wearing the day he went n met tow. I couldn't get it out of my head. Not like I haven't done laundry in the 7 weeks since dday, but bam! there it was yesterday. Still wouldn't go away today. I tried all day to push it away , dismiss it as nothing. I gave up. About 4 oclock I went bought new underwear, threw old in the trash.
Finally started, 3 weeks late. Don't know how much of my craziness is hormone related, and how much is entering the next phase of dealing with the A.
Told H he probably think I'm crazy, his response was he's along for the ride, just going from moment to moment trying to read me. Then I'm crying again, cuz I'm thinking, yeah but how long can you deal with me being crazy? And how long can I deal with me being crazy? lol I'm already exhausted and I know we've only just begun, that it's going to be a long road.
One minute we were watching tv and he said something, idk, I had paperback in my hand, I hit him in arm with it, playing we both loling, then I hit him couple more times, still loling, then bam! I started feeling mad and hit him couple more times, harder and started crying, had to make myself stop. Was like a wave washing over me. Now H was still loling, the way we were sitting on the bed, he was leaning up against headboard, and I was sitting somewhat in front of him to the side, so he looking at my back/ side unless I turn my head to face him, so he didn't see my sudden change.
Scared me.
Later he cracked wise about something, I don't even remember what, thats how insignificant it was, but I got instantly mad. He says it was a joke relax,, stop taking everything I say and applying the worst possible meaning to it in your head. I told him he was no longer allowed to tell jokes until further notice, cuz I am just not in a joking mood today. OMG.
I feel the anger, bubbling, bubbling. I feel like I'm getting dive bombed with emotion. I don't want to be a shrew. I don't want every conversation with h to be about the A. I don't want him to not want to come home for lunch, or work late, because it's so miserable here. Thats sort of where we were before the A.
I go see new doc on Wednesday morning, I'm hoping to get started on anti-depressants..We go to mc Wednesday evening.
Trying to journal everything, seems to help a little to get it all down,, but sheesh looking at it, I have several days now where I just seem to be spiralling down, down, down.
I posted under 'laundry' on the infidelity board about the underwear thoughts going through my head. It's pathetic, not only was I disgusted by the thought of him wearing the same underwear as the day he was with her, and idk which ones they were, and the irrational thought of ohh jeez I hope he didn't have on an older pair, (I swear he gets attatched to them, I have to weed older pairs out gradually). Like it made me a bad wife if he had on old underwear. Then it got me to thinking, back dday time, h told me yes she was in his car when he went to see her. They drove around Joplin looking at the tornado devestation and stopped at Sonic for a coke. Swears no fooling around in his car. But one of my initial thoughts then was oh jeez wonder if the car was clean, cuz he always has soda cans, snack wrappers etc. Again like I was a bad wife if His car was dirty. Top of that, she didn't even know about me,,except that (his story) we were divorcing, just waiting on it to become final..That was a lie. Now i would also like to get rid of the car, it's paid off, and I just made last payment on my mini van last month. original plan was to go a year with no car payments to catch up on other stuff, but idk if will be able to wait that long.. But anyway my point being,, I felt like a bad reflection on me if his underwear were worn and if his car was dirty, and hell idk if thats just my poor self esteem or if it's narcicism. :(
I am feeling so needy and insecure and then pissed off all at once.
I hope H will still be there to break my fall, he says he will be.
Went and bought H all new underwear today. Yesterday when folding the laundry out of nowhere it hit me that I wonder which underwear he was wearing the day he went n met tow. I couldn't get it out of my head. Not like I haven't done laundry in the 7 weeks since dday, but bam! there it was yesterday. Still wouldn't go away today. I tried all day to push it away , dismiss it as nothing. I gave up. About 4 oclock I went bought new underwear, threw old in the trash.
Finally started, 3 weeks late. Don't know how much of my craziness is hormone related, and how much is entering the next phase of dealing with the A.
Told H he probably think I'm crazy, his response was he's along for the ride, just going from moment to moment trying to read me. Then I'm crying again, cuz I'm thinking, yeah but how long can you deal with me being crazy? And how long can I deal with me being crazy? lol I'm already exhausted and I know we've only just begun, that it's going to be a long road.
One minute we were watching tv and he said something, idk, I had paperback in my hand, I hit him in arm with it, playing we both loling, then I hit him couple more times, still loling, then bam! I started feeling mad and hit him couple more times, harder and started crying, had to make myself stop. Was like a wave washing over me. Now H was still loling, the way we were sitting on the bed, he was leaning up against headboard, and I was sitting somewhat in front of him to the side, so he looking at my back/ side unless I turn my head to face him, so he didn't see my sudden change.
Scared me.
Later he cracked wise about something, I don't even remember what, thats how insignificant it was, but I got instantly mad. He says it was a joke relax,, stop taking everything I say and applying the worst possible meaning to it in your head. I told him he was no longer allowed to tell jokes until further notice, cuz I am just not in a joking mood today. OMG.
I feel the anger, bubbling, bubbling. I feel like I'm getting dive bombed with emotion. I don't want to be a shrew. I don't want every conversation with h to be about the A. I don't want him to not want to come home for lunch, or work late, because it's so miserable here. Thats sort of where we were before the A.
I go see new doc on Wednesday morning, I'm hoping to get started on anti-depressants..We go to mc Wednesday evening.
Trying to journal everything, seems to help a little to get it all down,, but sheesh looking at it, I have several days now where I just seem to be spiralling down, down, down.
I posted under 'laundry' on the infidelity board about the underwear thoughts going through my head. It's pathetic, not only was I disgusted by the thought of him wearing the same underwear as the day he was with her, and idk which ones they were, and the irrational thought of ohh jeez I hope he didn't have on an older pair, (I swear he gets attatched to them, I have to weed older pairs out gradually). Like it made me a bad wife if he had on old underwear. Then it got me to thinking, back dday time, h told me yes she was in his car when he went to see her. They drove around Joplin looking at the tornado devestation and stopped at Sonic for a coke. Swears no fooling around in his car. But one of my initial thoughts then was oh jeez wonder if the car was clean, cuz he always has soda cans, snack wrappers etc. Again like I was a bad wife if His car was dirty. Top of that, she didn't even know about me,,except that (his story) we were divorcing, just waiting on it to become final..That was a lie. Now i would also like to get rid of the car, it's paid off, and I just made last payment on my mini van last month. original plan was to go a year with no car payments to catch up on other stuff, but idk if will be able to wait that long.. But anyway my point being,, I felt like a bad reflection on me if his underwear were worn and if his car was dirty, and hell idk if thats just my poor self esteem or if it's narcicism. :(
I am feeling so needy and insecure and then pissed off all at once.
I hope H will still be there to break my fall, he says he will be.
Replies
Take it one day at a time and know that what you are experiencing is normal. It may be a little comfort.
Ditto what ImDealing said. Normal, normal, normal. You are in better shape than I was the first year. At least you found your way to DS and you are journaling and getting out all of these feelings. I tried to go it alone while doing everything you are describing. I literally thought that I was losing my mind (and so did E). The people in DS immediately saved and helped me. They all made me understand that what I was experiencing was in fact normal and that I was NOT losing my mind. They also helped me find my inner strength. As for E, yes, the mood swings do drive him nuts (and sometimes still do when they occur), but he is committed to me and to our marriage and he knows that these are the consequences of what he did. I know he\'s not going anywhere. I sense that your H is the same. He\'s not going anywhere. Don\'t be afraid of the process. You have to go through it to get to the other side. We\'re all here to help you find your inner strength too! Sending you support.
Thank you both. I just feel like I\'m in such a bad place right now and that it\'s only going to get worse :(
yes its all Normal!!!! we all have gone thru it! There were many causalities of the A. I threw out a ton of stuff...underwear...T-shirts.. Sheets to our bed..UGH! photos and many more items....if it helps to get rid of the things then do it...if you feel you just want the item out of your face then box it up and put it away...I know i threw out stuff now in a fit of rage when I found out about the A. Somethings I know i shouldn\'t have but ya know thats what he has to live with.....I would of burned down my house if I thought that would of helped....I was 14 mths passed Dday when I found DS...I sure wish I had found it sooner.....your H sounds like he is with you all the way...don\'t stop talking! Let him know how you feel...my gosh my emotions were on over drive the first few months....there was nothing he could say or do to make me feel better...just know as time goes by and the more you H stands by you and is supportive then the less outbursts you will have...again time time and more time. journaling is great...I wish I had been able to do it when it first started...you are ahead of the game...stand tall...know that you will be OK...you are a strong beautiful woman! sending hugs!!!!!
KG - I echo what everyone else has replied here. Normal, normal, normal. When I think of the first couple of months, I was a raging lunatic! Around the time my H started his A, I bought him some knit (t-shirt like) fitted boxers. He always wore the JC Penney cotton boxers. Once he tried the knit ones on, there was no going back. He loved them. I remember thinking how pleased I was with myself for doing this for him. Now I wonder if it was for the benefit of TOW. I shared early on with DS that my H actual bought some lubricant and sex toys specifically for use with TOW. The asshole brought them into our home. When I asked about them, he initially denied - saying he got them at Bath & Body Works, Ummm, excuse me, but THEY DON\'T SELL THAT SHIT! He finally came clean. I told him to get them out of my house IMMEDIATELY! What a stupid asshole!
The thing that I want you to realize is that youre in this place because of your H. It\'s good that he\'s \"going along with the ride on this\" but he needs to know that he is the direct cause for your emotions and accept full responsibility & even more important, that he try and make that ride one that you BOTH experience TOGETHER. So far, he\'s shown that hes going no where and that he is rebuilding. That\'s a very positive sign. But he needs to know, every step of the way that it\'s because of the choices he made, that you and he are on this ride.
Hugs going out to you. You\'re doing great!
Thanks guys, really. And I should say that many many times H has said those exact words to me destined,,\'it\'s my fault you are feeling this way, I did this, I\'ll be here while you deal with all of it, and when you decide if you can live with it in the long run\" I guess I haven\'t said that, and I should be fair.
You cannot be expected to decide overnight if you are going to be able to \"deal with the a\" and going on this roller coaster is HELL. But you are not alone on the ride. We are here for you to rant and rave and question your sanity. Good luck and God Bless.
I agree w/ everything posted here. I will add this. It is his responsibility to help you through this. He f\'d up!! He shattered something that is sacred. Don\'t worry about whether he will contine to be there, you have no control over that. You going through these horrible emotions is something he needs to see in order for him to be able to fully comprehend how this affects you. Hopefully, he is in his own hell, this sucky reality is his consequences and he needs to witness your pain.
Gosh hon, I know what you are feeling as far as crazy devastation due to the A. But because I am not rebuilding, I can\'t relate as far as seeing him all the time, still folding his laundry and him helping you through. I do remember a time right before Dday, when I was feeling overwhelmed and OW (my friend at the time) came over to help me with housework...she grabbed a laundry basket and got to work and she folded HIS undies! I think of that now and cringe! I agree with the others here, what you are feeling is normal. ((((hugs))))