Losing my sanity!
I am just so frustrated! This sciatic nerve pain is driving me insane and I'm so tired of not being able to grieve for my son. It has taken over my life and I'm afraid that when I am finally able to be pain free from the physical pain, the emotional pain will hit me like a ton of bricks. I was able to stay busy before this pain started back last month but now I can't even clean my house, cook a meal and have to use a motorized cart if I go grocery shopping. It's draining me. The holidays are coming up and I just don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I miss my son so much and have always looked forward to the holidays. It has always been important to me to have my family together for thanksgiving and Christmas. It was rare for me to get them all together. My son was usually in jail. The last three years, the holidays haven't been the best because my oldest son's wife always wanted to be with HER family and everyone else was put before me. I always tried to compromise but seems like I always got the short end of the stick. Last year, at the last minute, my kids grandmother on their dad's side decided to have thanksgiving and my oldest son informed me that he would only be able to stay for literally ten minutes. So I told them to just go be with their grandmother. After all, she had been sick and I said you never know, she might not be here next year. I never dreamed it would be my son who would be gone. So I feel angry that I was robbed of my last thanksgiving with my son. I didn't even get all my kids together for Christmas. I finally had to take my gifts to my oldest son and his family in January. So honestly, I have no desire to spend the holidays with my family this year. It's not going to be the same and never will again. I'm trying not to have hate in my heart and it's not directed towards my kids so much as my daughter-in-law. I don't want pity gatherings. I feel like if they couldn't make the effort to be with me before, why try to now just because Robert is gone? Just frustrated and hurt.
Replies
The holidays are not an easy time of the year to begin with & yours don\'t sound like they have been good for awhile. Just make them what you want them to be and not what others expect. May your Thanksgiving be gentle and peaceful...the anxiety leading up to the day if far worse than the actual day. Here to help you through any way we can...Hugs, Ann
Do much going on in your life, I am sure it is hard to sort things and emotions out. I certainly hope you get some relief from you sciatic pain. Being able to feel what you feel about the loss of your precious son is so important. Holidays are definitely different but they do come and then they go. I hope yours are more gentle than you can imagine. Love and hugs...Karen
Holidays are so hard...add family issues and it\'s twice as hard. I\'m sorry.
I\'m glad you feel safe enough here to share your feelings. I\'ve found the more I share...the more I vent it out...the better I feel and can deal with life.
Try not to expect too much...from others OR yourself...especially during the holidays. Only do what you feel you\'re capable of. That\'s my best advice.
You\'re in my thoughts~~Teri
My son and his wife had the juggling going on with us...but it worked out...not too my liking, either.
My daughter has the same conflicts, too.
It is hard, for sure...I just want them both to be there and hopefully at the same time...so hard now a days...now my two living children live in WA state and FL....now I am always without one...
Take care