:'( losing my mind

Im really regretting signing the life contract with my therapist Im flippin out and really wanna cut but Im afraid if I do and break the contract she really will stop trying to help me and since the school is paying for her I will be screwed if she does I cant afford to go anywhere else and I like her... I told her I wasnt ready to commit to not cutting the suicide was one thing Im okay with committing to not attempting suicide while im in therapy with her thats reasonable but I purposely dont promise not to cut cuz promises are VERY important to me and I do my absolute best not to make promises unless im 100% sure I can keep them. But she kept asking for the blades I had over and over I said no 4 times before finally giving in cuz i didnt wanna let her down and when she added cutting to the life contract i started flipping out but she said all forms of hurting myself have to be included.... I dont really see cutting as HURTING myself I think it HELPS me at least for now it does... We talked about what my cousin did to me and the fact that I have been reaped a few times in the past 3 years when I was so drunk and/or high that I lost control of the situation and let it happen... Its not fair why does it matter to anyone else if I cut or not it doesnt really affect them except that they wanna make me show them my scars and my fresh cuts and control me I dont try and control their lives nobody is perfect how is it fair for them to judge what I do when they have bad habits too... IDK I GIVE UP its not fair whats wrong with me UGH