Losing my mind
I'm going to completely lose my mind soon. I can feel it. First of all, I'm getting about 100 spam emails EVERYDAY about getting a free sample of something that will make my p***s bigger or some other sort of s*x thing. Offers for p*rn video or pictures. Do I want a sexy oriental woman or Brazilian. I'm so tired of deleting these emails. First, let's remember I am a woman, so no, I don't want a bigger p***s. I am also a r*pe victim, so no, I don't want to see your p*rn. ANY OF IT. I know the purpose of spam, but I feel like yelling, if people wanted these things, they could find them on their own. STOP SENDING THESE THINGS TO ME.
It's really freaking me out to see this in my inbox constantly. It makes me want to vomit. Again, I understand the purpose of spam and they don't give a sh*t who sees it, but there has to be a woman working in these groups somewhere or a man who cares about not hurting woman, who can stand up and say, woah wait. We might be really hurting some one. Any victim who has flashbacks can surely understand what these emails do to me. It seems these days ANYTHING can trigger a flashback. Now I have to have this sh*t in my face everyday and I mean incessantly. Flashbacks are so painful. If you haven't had one, I'm not sure you can understand. It's like seeing something that may seem innocuous to some one else, but for you it instantly takes you back to that hell you just want to forget about. That you would love to forget. It hits you out of nowhere. It can be the smell of some one's cologne. It can be some one touching you the wrong way or saying the wrong thing. Literally ANYTHING. And you're sucked back there like a bad dream, but you are totally awake. And who knows what your body is doing. I think I freeze like some idiotic snowman.
Now I've got my doctor denying me pain meds because I haven't started treatment in his office yet. When I first met him in January, he explained his treatments which involve very sensitive parts of the body. I told him I was a r*pe victim who suffers from lots of anxiety. There are times I will not leave my house for a week. I told him there would be times that my pain or anxiety would keep me from appointments. I might have to cancel at the last minute. I sent an email a couple days ago stating I was having a bit of a hard time and had no pain meds. The month before I said I had a good month and needed less. The pain is unpredictable. So I sent the email stating I needed my months supply. They called me twice today while I was out and left messages that unless I made an appointment to start treatment, they would stop giving me pain meds. So they are not giving me this month until I call to make an appointment and if I cancel the appointment, they would never give me pain meds again. Which means they believe I am a drug seeker. I sat in that office in January and that doctor swore to me that my anxiety about the treatment did not make me a drug seeker.
So now I have to call tomorrow and make appointments for something I'm SO afraid of doing. I don't want to do it. And now I'm crying just thinking about it. I'm not sure I will be able to get to these appointments. If I could have it so no one would ever touch me again, I would.
Just to top off this delicious sundae of pain, I've lost most of my support systems. I'm down to pretty much one or two friends. I've lost three therapists. Two this year. I lost my psychiatrist and the one who replaced her wanted to change my meds before my butt hit the chair. I don't like her. I don't think she is listening to me. I've only been once, she cancelled my second appointment. So I'm really not sure about her. But my point is that people who know me seem to be running away as fast as they can. Run free as fast as you can. Find a new home with some one else. It just seems so predictable. I get comfortable with some one and they leave or they realize how difficult I am to be friends with and they hold me at arms length.
I'm really not sure I deserve better.
It's really freaking me out to see this in my inbox constantly. It makes me want to vomit. Again, I understand the purpose of spam and they don't give a sh*t who sees it, but there has to be a woman working in these groups somewhere or a man who cares about not hurting woman, who can stand up and say, woah wait. We might be really hurting some one. Any victim who has flashbacks can surely understand what these emails do to me. It seems these days ANYTHING can trigger a flashback. Now I have to have this sh*t in my face everyday and I mean incessantly. Flashbacks are so painful. If you haven't had one, I'm not sure you can understand. It's like seeing something that may seem innocuous to some one else, but for you it instantly takes you back to that hell you just want to forget about. That you would love to forget. It hits you out of nowhere. It can be the smell of some one's cologne. It can be some one touching you the wrong way or saying the wrong thing. Literally ANYTHING. And you're sucked back there like a bad dream, but you are totally awake. And who knows what your body is doing. I think I freeze like some idiotic snowman.
Now I've got my doctor denying me pain meds because I haven't started treatment in his office yet. When I first met him in January, he explained his treatments which involve very sensitive parts of the body. I told him I was a r*pe victim who suffers from lots of anxiety. There are times I will not leave my house for a week. I told him there would be times that my pain or anxiety would keep me from appointments. I might have to cancel at the last minute. I sent an email a couple days ago stating I was having a bit of a hard time and had no pain meds. The month before I said I had a good month and needed less. The pain is unpredictable. So I sent the email stating I needed my months supply. They called me twice today while I was out and left messages that unless I made an appointment to start treatment, they would stop giving me pain meds. So they are not giving me this month until I call to make an appointment and if I cancel the appointment, they would never give me pain meds again. Which means they believe I am a drug seeker. I sat in that office in January and that doctor swore to me that my anxiety about the treatment did not make me a drug seeker.
So now I have to call tomorrow and make appointments for something I'm SO afraid of doing. I don't want to do it. And now I'm crying just thinking about it. I'm not sure I will be able to get to these appointments. If I could have it so no one would ever touch me again, I would.
Just to top off this delicious sundae of pain, I've lost most of my support systems. I'm down to pretty much one or two friends. I've lost three therapists. Two this year. I lost my psychiatrist and the one who replaced her wanted to change my meds before my butt hit the chair. I don't like her. I don't think she is listening to me. I've only been once, she cancelled my second appointment. So I'm really not sure about her. But my point is that people who know me seem to be running away as fast as they can. Run free as fast as you can. Find a new home with some one else. It just seems so predictable. I get comfortable with some one and they leave or they realize how difficult I am to be friends with and they hold me at arms length.
I'm really not sure I deserve better.
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