Losing life and hope

Hello right now I'm having a really bad issues and urges in my life. I have very bad anxiety were I throw up and chest is pounding an all this is caused by getting ready for work. I haven't every been like this until about 2 and half months ago, an it just happened an I can't re call why. When I first started I had no issues or problems with work and still don't. It just the antipation leading to work that makes me go into panic attacks and really bad anxiety. An also when I get this bad I call in and end up feeling like and idiot and loser due to my self sabotage of my career and life. I also have a real bad drinking problem. It all started after I became in remission from stage 4 Hopkins lymphoma. I was diagnosed when I was twenty and about month away from my 21st birthday and my first chemo was on my birthday and when I was diagnosed I was very sad and very numb and angry. An now since I'm able to drink since I have no chemo I drink a lot. An in this month I drink over gallon of hard liqueur which was 2 725ml of captain Morgan 2 725ml of kahula and quarter of moonshine (the store kind) and 30 beers. And just last night i drank 10 12oz beer and 2 35oz of beer. An im strugling with money but as soon i have money i go an buy liquer and since being in remission for a year i have gained 40 pounds of fat. Which makes me literally hate my self and feel horible. An i just wanted to tell some one because i dont always feel comfortable telling people face to face since they know me or at least know me know and dont want to be judged.