Losing It--With Jillian Michaels

Don't know how you all feel about her and her participation as one of two fitness trainers on NBC TV's Biggest Loser (she's kind of a hard-core slave-driver who pushes people beyond their limits in the gym, doing it out of love, and I'm sure the paycheck is nice too), but now she's formed her own show (as Executive Producer as well as star, cha-ching), where she has only 5 days to work out a family and reform them emotionally so they better love and relate to themselves and each other!  Inspiring show of course.  In the premiere episode, we have a nice Italian family who has been stifling their memories of their infant son dying for 22 years...with food.  Listening to the blonde daughter explain that, even though she underwent a gastric bypass surgery, she still felt that "fat girl" inside her, waiting to explode out again, and that kind of reminded me of my own complex.  I was hardly fat growing up, but was a skinny, scrawny albino with crossed eyes and Coke-bottle glasses who was picked on in the 4th grade, and, while I know that those people who ridiculed me were dealing with their own insecurities and were threatened by my superior intelligence lol, this superficiality still rears its ugly head whenever I see a woman I find attractive, or worse, when a woman finds ME attractive (which is happening increasingly)!  I think she must have some "angle", thinks I'm rich or something and wants my cash...no, she CAN'T simply like me!  Many of these women are extremely young, which only increases my suspicions...
Maybe I'm in an arrested state of emotional development, and am subconsciously projecting that early-20s mindset onto others, projecting some desire that I never experienced with someone else when I WAS in my 20s, due to my own shyness and uncertainty of what I want, and the fact that the ladies (with a few exceptions in college...damn!  why didn't I make a move on that?) weren't interested...hence my tendency to slink away from real human contact into the world of masturbation to porn, which, of course, satisfies the prurile physical need but leaves one feeling more isolated...which I'm trying to regulate, or discard the stuff altogether, although, not being involved with someone, when the "urge to merge" gets overpowering, the temptation to peruse the net sites becomes all-too alluring...there's something about the sexual allure of late-teens to early-20-somethings...it's magic-time...but there's also a lot of head-games, sleep deprivation (all-night partying) and violatility; flowery ambitions of romance and huge temper outbursts when reality doesn't meet fantasy.  I remember my "roaring 20s" well, and they were a very turbulent time.  I keep realizing that I'M NOT in my 20s anymore, can't pretend to be, don't have the "end of the world/there is no tomorrow/6 times a night" kind of sex drive I did then (although I do have more stamina now), and am in a more calm, spiritual, loving place, that I don't really want "disturbed".  At my age, 45, a woman in her 30s will probably be more in the same head and heart-space as I am.  Or maybe age has nothing to do with being in the same head and heart-space-!  What do you guys think?
Didn't help that my last so-called relationship was one filled with head-games and rejection, from an Asian (Vietnamese) woman in her mid-FORTIES (ahh, the head games never end) who merely thought of me as a companion, was not physically nor emotionally attracted to me, and, when we first started, I was so blindsighted by my own physical and emotional needs and enamored with her physicality (and a certain grace and gentle spirit that she has) that I didn't see it, and smothered the poor woman.  I see it all clearly now.  We still chat occasionally, even go out, and, when we do, I really observe her body language.  She's deeply stuck in a comfort zone, doesn't trust anybody (maybe rightly so), doesn't want to let me in, because I hurt and confuse her, rather like a sheltered child who refuses to leave the nest, and her beedy little eyes are darting everywhere BUT ME, as if looking for some "bigger, better deal".  Hurts and pisses me off.  Talk about arrested emotional development...IN HER!  Both of us are a little truncated, and the only answer is...someone else.  There's no warmth, no nothing, there, and we're cordial acquaintences...at best.  Not even sure if I like her that much.  Thank God we didn't get married lol.
Working on loving myself, cooly, calmly, objectively, acceptingly...AND THEN...GENTLY expressing that love to others (who are receptive to it), letting THEM be the ones to let ME know if they want more.  Can't rush God's time...but now's the time to not regress back into being a kid, but being a confident, whole, handsome, sexy man in his 40s, who is physically and mentally quite active and strong, full of love and is one powerhouse of talent!