Losing a Friend
So recently I've been struggling to function day to day because of all kinds of stuff: Therapy, Exams, Personal Problems, Health Problems - all the usual. Then I lost a friend.
The arguement has been days long, and has left me completely destroyed. I've had to come home for the weekend. I'm so nervous to go back in case she comes to see me to talk. I can't face her in person.
She's been manipulative enough online! In person, body language would be on her side. She knows me well enough that if I see her crying and tells me all the awful stuff that's been going on for her and that's why she's been the way she's been and how could I treat her the way I have given what she's going through... I'm just not heartless enough.
She lives like 2 minute away. I can't go anywhere without walking past her flat when I'm at uni. I just feel so trapped by her, she's even emailed my mother and some of our friends about me, and sent security to my room because she was "worried about me" after our last argument that I'd gone to do something stupid. When I told her I was fine and security had told me to message her and say I was ok so that she'd not ring back, she got really mad. Said she was 1000% done, told me to f**k off and that she was really angry.
To be honest, this whole thing has left me feeling used and upset. The fact that someone I called a close friend could say all she has, and clearly know how it was going to affect me, enough to send security over and then be mad that I'm not trying to kill myself the one time she actually thought I might be and attack me about it...
I can't handle any of this while I have my well-being already at stake... I don't need to be pushed by harsh words when I'm already teetering on the edge every day. It's too hard and I feel so unwell over it and everything else. I feel quite alone here, and even more so at uni. The one person I want to talk to about absolutely everything is the one person I need to not push away with all my crap... especially because I know that he has troubles of his own and I want so much to be perfectly fine and well enough to help him. I do my best... but I think maybe I'm trying too hard.
I'm just so exhausted by life, and losing my friend has taken a physical toll on me I couldn't have predicted. Everything she's doing has hurt me so deeply and she knows. It hurts a lot more that she doesn't seem to care. She's said she does... but you can tell it's not what it should be and that was only after I'd thrown in the towel and said I wanted to fix it but if I was the problem then I'd leave, and did.
I want so much to be loved.
The arguement has been days long, and has left me completely destroyed. I've had to come home for the weekend. I'm so nervous to go back in case she comes to see me to talk. I can't face her in person.
She's been manipulative enough online! In person, body language would be on her side. She knows me well enough that if I see her crying and tells me all the awful stuff that's been going on for her and that's why she's been the way she's been and how could I treat her the way I have given what she's going through... I'm just not heartless enough.
She lives like 2 minute away. I can't go anywhere without walking past her flat when I'm at uni. I just feel so trapped by her, she's even emailed my mother and some of our friends about me, and sent security to my room because she was "worried about me" after our last argument that I'd gone to do something stupid. When I told her I was fine and security had told me to message her and say I was ok so that she'd not ring back, she got really mad. Said she was 1000% done, told me to f**k off and that she was really angry.
To be honest, this whole thing has left me feeling used and upset. The fact that someone I called a close friend could say all she has, and clearly know how it was going to affect me, enough to send security over and then be mad that I'm not trying to kill myself the one time she actually thought I might be and attack me about it...
I can't handle any of this while I have my well-being already at stake... I don't need to be pushed by harsh words when I'm already teetering on the edge every day. It's too hard and I feel so unwell over it and everything else. I feel quite alone here, and even more so at uni. The one person I want to talk to about absolutely everything is the one person I need to not push away with all my crap... especially because I know that he has troubles of his own and I want so much to be perfectly fine and well enough to help him. I do my best... but I think maybe I'm trying too hard.
I'm just so exhausted by life, and losing my friend has taken a physical toll on me I couldn't have predicted. Everything she's doing has hurt me so deeply and she knows. It hurts a lot more that she doesn't seem to care. She's said she does... but you can tell it's not what it should be and that was only after I'd thrown in the towel and said I wanted to fix it but if I was the problem then I'd leave, and did.
I want so much to be loved.
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