Looking through old photos
So I made the mistake of looking at some old photos of my kids and their dad...
My eldest son asked about his dad today. It's breaking me to think of a the good times we will never have again. Even though our relationship was horrible and painfull for both of us and our kids I would be lying if I said there wasn't anything good about it.
I miss having an adult to talk to, I miss the occasional times he'd be affectionate or comforting. I hate having to see my sons miss their daddy so much. I don't like having to lie to my son about where his dad is but how do I explain to a 3yr old where he's gone? How do you make "daddy's in jail" a child friendly topic? I can't, I don't want them to know the horrible cruel side of their dad because there is a much better side to him, the man who picked me up and saved me from my self destruction, the man that housed me for over a year when I became homeless and asked for nothing in return, the man who defended me when my friends and family turned their backs, the man that loved me and cared for me,, the great father who gave up a lot to be at home with his kids, the father who was worried about everything and way to overprotective. I miss him. I want my kids to know that man.
I don't want them to know about the pain and humiliation he put me through...
The times he convinced people I was the abusive crazy one, the times he made me apologise for things he had done, I had to lie about the hurt and shame, smile when I wanted to scream and cry. The times he made me feel as though the world would be better without me.
How could those two people be the same man. The man that held me, comforted me, amazed me is also the man that hurt me, degraded me, humiliated me.
And the worst and best part is that that man is the father of my children...
Part of me wants them to know him and learn from him because he's so incredibly intelligent and inspiring but part of me want to keep my children far away from his violence and cruelty.
I'm stuck, torn and broken....
My eldest son asked about his dad today. It's breaking me to think of a the good times we will never have again. Even though our relationship was horrible and painfull for both of us and our kids I would be lying if I said there wasn't anything good about it.
I miss having an adult to talk to, I miss the occasional times he'd be affectionate or comforting. I hate having to see my sons miss their daddy so much. I don't like having to lie to my son about where his dad is but how do I explain to a 3yr old where he's gone? How do you make "daddy's in jail" a child friendly topic? I can't, I don't want them to know the horrible cruel side of their dad because there is a much better side to him, the man who picked me up and saved me from my self destruction, the man that housed me for over a year when I became homeless and asked for nothing in return, the man who defended me when my friends and family turned their backs, the man that loved me and cared for me,, the great father who gave up a lot to be at home with his kids, the father who was worried about everything and way to overprotective. I miss him. I want my kids to know that man.
I don't want them to know about the pain and humiliation he put me through...
The times he convinced people I was the abusive crazy one, the times he made me apologise for things he had done, I had to lie about the hurt and shame, smile when I wanted to scream and cry. The times he made me feel as though the world would be better without me.
How could those two people be the same man. The man that held me, comforted me, amazed me is also the man that hurt me, degraded me, humiliated me.
And the worst and best part is that that man is the father of my children...
Part of me wants them to know him and learn from him because he's so incredibly intelligent and inspiring but part of me want to keep my children far away from his violence and cruelty.
I'm stuck, torn and broken....
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