Lonliness in a World full of people
Well, let me preface this by I had a great time meeting the other DS'ers at the Philly meetup on Friday..it IS what I needed. I was apprehensive on going because I was having a really really bad day that day....I don't know why it all hit me...it could have been it was raining out but deep inside I see IT (marriage) coming closer to an end. I think I've been trying to supress the feelings of true grief again. It started on Thursday nite talking to HIS friend D, who went thru the same thing and is now divorced. Something benign he said just triggered me, which carried over into Friday. I know what I'm about to say is NOT healthy but Friday, I basically cried all day...even going up to the meetup. I was to the point where I didn't want to go but had so much support here that I went and was glad I did. That being said, it made me realize the amount of lonliness I have now and will have to come..while HE is here in the house, it is another adult human, when HE leaves it will be like I'm in a cave with only MY voice echoing thru. I was going to ask advice on this one but I really didn't have time to cancel the appt...so here goes. I made an appt with our marriage counsellor a while ago. I was on the fence about keeping it or cancelling..what was the point..just moot. However, we did go and an my anger, resentment, disgust, saddness emerged like I knew it would and I could kick myself for it. We went to have him try to figure out how we should separate b/c that is what HE wants to do and honestly, probably for the best. Counsellor said HE should probably be the one to move out..I agree. I've been inconvienienced in all this and shouldn't have to be again. I guess my initial thinking was if that there was a CRUMB of hope, then maybe it would come out. I say to myself why would I want to be with a man that has done this to me and made a fool of me twice. I said to the counsellor....I wish I was one of those people that could "turn it off" but I'm not. I know he doesn't think me being sad is healthy..I tend to agree but I don't know how to "fix" it. I don't know how to "fix" this marriage, I tried and tried hard but he just justifies/d his actions based on assumptions or something I said. That all started the chain of hopelessness I feel again. Now, he was having his family reunion last night...again I was going to ask advice about going. I really was not going to go but decided again, that this may be it. Other than his immediate family, the rest knows nothing of our marriage problems...my thinking was let him tell them but the kids were horrible and again, maybe in the back of my mind I wanted to torture myself by being alienated. I wanted to see my nephews, niece, and sister and brother in law that I only see twice a year anyway. I had a decent time but you could tell, now, I'm on the outside looking in and it hurts so deeply one cannot express it. I drove home thru the torrential rain, which gave me a migraine and then my son says before going to bed..."group hug..we did...group kiss...we did". Which brings me to why I am writing this. I have been up since 4 am and the tears flow heavily...I have been from my bed to my son's bed just so I could hold him and have someone to hold. I went in my 2 year old's room and just looked at him sleeping peacefully in the crib...the tears flowed more and stronger. I sit here in bed and the tears flow to the point where I cannot catch my breath...again, I know this CANNOT be healthy. I realize that I am lonely and am afraid of being alone...I will miss my best friend, my companion, my lover, my husband, my comedian, my rock in hard times, etc. and I'm scared. I'm scared to start my job, next week, hiding all this with so much on my plate and having my head on straight. I feel panic attacks coming on and the saddness, for today, is really too much to bear. It's hard to me to see him show no emotion, about any of this, which translates to me him NOT caring. I hide it well to the public...it's the alone time that is, literally, eating me alive and slowly killing me...the pain is eating me, again NOT healthy. I just don't know how to change it. I feel what I feel. The loss for me and mostly for the children is profound. I find it very sad when you are so lonely, that you look to just hold your 6 year old...I guess it's symbolism...trying to hold onto something, albiet a child. I don't know why now that it's bothering me so much the past few days. I feel like I've taken 50 steps backwards and I just hide it all. Why now? I actually was doing well...anger drove me with a sad day here and there...but not to this extent...it's like the day I found out all over again. I was a fixer of all..I KNOW I cannot change anything...get that...but I so wish I could. I struggle with where do I go for today...maybe everyone is right...I am crazy...depressed (know I am on this front)...just need to "get over it already", etc. I cannot even talk to my mom...she is just NO help and just yells at me and tells me I need professional help...she is mean and nasty to me when all I want her to do is hug me and do what I feel a real mother should do for her kids. But..I will never get that, so that I must accept. So back to lonliness...I guess I will have to be alone and figure it out. I just see so many here (again in different degrees of moving on) but NOT like to the extent I feel, or so they do not write about it much. I wish there was a cure for the lonliness I'm about to experience but I guess that is something I will need to do. Thank you to all who made read this....maybe it's the lack of sleep, the crappy weather, the hormones..who knows...I know my journals are downers and I appologize but I need to write what I feel at the moment...especially when the feelings are crappy.