Long weekend

Well, the long weekend is finally coming to and end.  It wasn't as bad as I anticipated as I've had the boys from Friday night until this afternoon.  Keeping up with a 2 & 5 years old can keep you busy and I realize every time I have them, how much of a help you were.  Beckett is talking so much and trying to talk in sentences, it's so fun to listen to him.  This afternoon when I was driving them back, Ethan told me he was spying on me and saw me crying when I was looking at you (at your viewing).  He asked me if I was sad.  I told him I was very sad and he asked why you died.  I told him you were very sick and God didn't want you to suffer so he took you to heaven.  He asked me what heaven was.  I told him it was a beautiful place where you see Jesus.  He then asked me if you were up floating in the clouds?  I told him I like to think that.  How do you explain heaven to a 5 year old?
Today would have been a day we would have loved.  Chilly, cloudy, and windy...the kind of days we loved being home and just hanging around.  I miss you so much but these kind of days are the hardest.  I want so badly to feel that "warm, cozy" feeling I had when you were here.  You made my life so happy and beautiful.  When you were so sick, I used to think if something were to happen, I could make it on my own.  Well....you'll be happy to hear this....I was soooo wrong!  I hate this lifestyle!!  I had to go to Lyle's office to fill out some papers and he was going through answering what questions he could for me.  When he came to the question of married:  yes or no:  he put no.  What a shock that was to me.  I still consider myself married to you and being your wife.  Not being married anymore is so hard to take.  The happiest 36 years of my life was being married to you.  I know we had some doozy arguments but we never stopped loving each other.  There were times when I'd be so mad I'd think my life would have been so much happier without you.  Then, I'd get over it and realize how stupid that was and how miserable I would be without you.  What I imagined can't come close to the real thing.  Nothing can prepare you for the real thing.  I think about how strong you must have been when we met.  Being a young widower with 2 small children was no easy task.  But you were such a good dad and so upbeat.  That's what made me fall in love with you in only 1 week.  Who knew, knowing each other 3 months before we got married would last 36 year, produce 2 more kids and have such a wonderfully close blended family.  The kids are my lifelines now.  You'd be so proud of them.
It makes me so sad to think of all the things we had planned to do once you got better.  Nashville, Ireland, Mexico, and of course, many, many trips back to Atlanta.  Never for a minute did I think you were not going to get better.  After all, doctors said it would be a long recovery and we all had faith you were going to pull through.    Now, my life is so empty without you. 
I'll keep praying for strength to make it and make you proud of me.  I love you so much.
OK, on a brighter note, remember how we'd get such a kick of out Michael and his "unsual" experiences.  Well, they went to a wedding in LA this past weekend and on the way out, Ernie Banks was on their flight.  Michael being Michael, spoke to him, had his picture taken with him and proceeded how he was a 3rd generation fan of his.  Then, while they were out there, they ran into an old friend of Kami's who works for Ciroc.  He was there doing promotions and invited them to the event yesterday.  Well, being the beautiful couple that they are, they were asked to do a photo spread that is supposed to appear in the LA papers.  What a hoot.  Leave it to them. 
Time to get things wrapped up here honey. 
I love and miss you more than you'll ever know!