Long time no update

I have not updated since week 4 or 5.  It has now been 2.5 mos.  I have reached several milestones since my last update.
The first happened in week 4.  I had been struggling mightily over OM.  Contact had been severed though not as cleanly or quickly as H needed it to be but by this time it was completely severed and I was struggling in handling my feelings since I had come to love him.  (I was one of the ones that loves both H and OM at the same time and compartmentalizes and divides the two lives, trying to live them simultaneously.  I never questioned what my choice would be.  I always knew I would choose my marriage and fight for it if I got caught.) My way of dealing with my feelings was to hurt for him and worry about him.  I was trying to carry my pain and H's pain and OM's pain as well.  I felt I deserved to carry everyone's pain but I came to realize that carrying OM's pain could not help him.  I was praying about him a lot and I felt God was telling me that He was taking care of OM, it was not my job and I needed to let go.  I told God I was willing to let go but I would need help and from that moment on my attitude changed.  I still obsessed over him and prayed for him and missed him but I stopped trying to carry his pain and left it with God.  Another thing that happened with that first letting go was that I stopped feeling panicky when I was out in town alone for fear I would see him and not be able to handle it.  I still did fear it to an extent and in fact still do sometimes but not so strongly.  I now sometimes practice in my head keeping to the "no contact" even if I should somehow end up face to face with him in a store.  
In week 5 or 6 my H mentioned that I had never seemed deeply remorseful since DDAY.  He described my behavior more as stoic and I had to agree that was a good description.  Thinking about that over the next day I realized why I had been stoic.  I really and truly did feel like someone plucked out of the debris of a disaster.  I was shell shocked and reeling and trying to deal with it all and stoic is what you do in that sort of situation, you steel yourself and try to be brave as you deal with the consequences of the disaster.  I had guilt and shame and sadness.  Much sadness and worry but no gut wrenching remorse.  I began to pray about that as my prayer life was struggling to revive from it's near death during the fog.  (I refer to that time as the fog because it was not just the 6 week A that happened at the end but 8 mos of events starting with an EA which led to one physical encounter that included oral before he left town and contact was severed and then on to a number of cyber sex EA's before the final A before DDAY.) The remorse came several days later as I was working alone and praying and I caught a very clear vision of the pain and devastation and "cosmic wrongness" of what I had done.  I was in full despair and bawling and crying out to God saying,"why didn't I stop it?" repeatedly.  That began my deep dive into pain and sadness and remorse unlike any I had felt up to that point or ever in my life.  More like what my H had gone through for the first 2 weeks but even then not as bad as what he went through.  At that point every work day was torture as I usually have a lot of time to think while I am working and I was punishing myself with my thoughts. I knew I deserved it.  I felt very unstable and it was very hard to come to terms with what I had done to myself and my H and even OM.  At this point I began to mostly just pray the Jesus prayer as I mentioned in the last journal.  I believe that is what carried me through.  You don't have to think or come up with words.  Just repeat it.  It was comforting and healing.
I struggled with forgiveness.  It felt ridiculous to think about forgiveness.  I did it.  I was guilty.  Why should that be forgiven?  How could it be?  My H had forgiven me almost instantly even through his devastation but I didn't feel acceptance of the forgiveness or that I could even begin to ask God for forgiveness.  I left that with Him.  He could forgive me if He would but I could not ask.  I struggled with this but put it on the back burner since I didn't know what to do with it.  Sometime later my H wrote me a letter which is in his journal.  He is Cole50.  Something about that letter broke through a barrier and I saw very clearly how much he loves me and why he was able to forgive and I asked him that day to forgive me.  He said he already had and I said I know but I never asked.  That was a big moment.  I found a prayer for forgiveness that I love and I pray it everyday.  It is therapeutic since I still know that forgiveness is not something I could ever deserve.  It is a gift. 
Since then I continue to struggle with myself and progress.  I try to guard my thoughts while working so I don't go into unproductive thinking that will set me back but I do work through my issues as they pop up.  Recently I began to pray about the bond I still feel with both OM, and to a certain extent the first one as well.  I realized that the bond is similar to the one I have with my sister who died.  I keep the bond alive because it is all I have left of her.  I love tweety now because she did.  I treasure her pictures and everything I have of her.  I realized that it is a good thing where she is concerned but not the OM.  I have to let that go.  I told God I don't know how to let that go but I am willing so help me please.  I am happy to say that the bond has weakened a great deal since then starting almost immediately when I said those words.  Within a day or two of that I realized I was hanging on to some things that had to go.  I still had pics of them tucked away on my phone and on the computer.  I still had links that could open contact with some of the cyber EA's. There were other things as well.  With my H I diligently eliminated every little thing with a connection to the fog and the A's.  It felt amazing! I have no regrets though I was very attached to one of the pictures which I had taken myself and loved.  Just a head shot but a good one.  I thought I would keep it forever.  No regrets that it is gone.  The purging was good.  These emotional bonds must be broken forever!  
We have read the book Not Just Friends as well as His Needs Her Needs, How to Affair Proof Your Marriage and we have gone through counseling and continue to see our priest weekly and spend a lot of time together working on our relationship and rebuilding our marriage and strengthening and enriching our love for each other.  From Not Just Friends I have learned where the boundaries are and they are much earlier in a friendship than I ever realized before. I am committed to being transparent and open and honest with my H.  I will continue to strengthen my walls against inappropriate relationships and strengthen my relationship with God and deal with any and all issues as they arise.  I fear relapse in the future and I will keep my guard up against that.  I suppose a bit of fear about that is healthy and will keep me alert and watchful and of course I will seek more counseling if and/or when I or H feel I need it.