Long time no check in...but its now been 66 days.
Wow, it has been a long time since I've checked in. Looking at my old journal entries makes me realize this is going to be a life long fight. We all at some point or another just wish we could flip a switch and the urges will just go away, but its really not about getting rid of the urges, it is about learning to cope. How to cope with life.
2 years ago, I had not hit a bottom yet, and even 66 days ago, while my life felt pretty horrible, I still don't think I ever hit the real bottom. I still have my family, my job (we own a business), my friends...just a lot of financial stress and burden that I caused. My family doesn't know that after I told them 4 years ago I had a gambling problem, that I didn't just "stop". I don't think they want to know. They don't know how much money I have blown, just out there feeling guilt ridden, chasing what I lost, hoping I could just win it all back and "fix" everything. Other life situations have helped to "explain" or contribute to our financial crisis, so they really aren't looking for another source to the problem. Currently, in about 3 years, we should be debt free if I can stick to paying things off, and not throwing money away.
It has now been 66 days gambling free for me, July 4th being my first day to hopefully begin recovering from this addiction. I met a lady, now a very dear friend, over a year ago, while out playing (we both were) and finally day after day of seeing each other there, we finally saw into each other's pain. She has fought this on and off battle with gambling for years, and in the past, hit that bottom. She came close to losing everything. I see her pain, and I think in each other we see hope. After seeing each other out playing, talking through things while playing even, to meeting for coffee, to trying to quit together, and talking payoff plans we have begun to make progress. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I've tried to quit, or even the number of times since meeting this friend that I've tried again, and again....but this time feels different. I can think of numerous times before when trying to quit that "this time feels different" but I've told myself, this time I need to MAKE it different, stick to it, know the urges aren't going to just disappear so I need to learn to be prepared for them and fight them, or be prepared to lose my family, my life to this addiction.
Hanging in there. Coping day by day. Thankful that God saw I needed a friend to give me hope.
2 years ago, I had not hit a bottom yet, and even 66 days ago, while my life felt pretty horrible, I still don't think I ever hit the real bottom. I still have my family, my job (we own a business), my friends...just a lot of financial stress and burden that I caused. My family doesn't know that after I told them 4 years ago I had a gambling problem, that I didn't just "stop". I don't think they want to know. They don't know how much money I have blown, just out there feeling guilt ridden, chasing what I lost, hoping I could just win it all back and "fix" everything. Other life situations have helped to "explain" or contribute to our financial crisis, so they really aren't looking for another source to the problem. Currently, in about 3 years, we should be debt free if I can stick to paying things off, and not throwing money away.
It has now been 66 days gambling free for me, July 4th being my first day to hopefully begin recovering from this addiction. I met a lady, now a very dear friend, over a year ago, while out playing (we both were) and finally day after day of seeing each other there, we finally saw into each other's pain. She has fought this on and off battle with gambling for years, and in the past, hit that bottom. She came close to losing everything. I see her pain, and I think in each other we see hope. After seeing each other out playing, talking through things while playing even, to meeting for coffee, to trying to quit together, and talking payoff plans we have begun to make progress. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I've tried to quit, or even the number of times since meeting this friend that I've tried again, and again....but this time feels different. I can think of numerous times before when trying to quit that "this time feels different" but I've told myself, this time I need to MAKE it different, stick to it, know the urges aren't going to just disappear so I need to learn to be prepared for them and fight them, or be prepared to lose my family, my life to this addiction.
Hanging in there. Coping day by day. Thankful that God saw I needed a friend to give me hope.
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