Long TIme comming 11/07
Hi all this past week has been very stressful, When it Rains It Pores! Not only am I dealing with “stuff at work” but I just could not take the separation and loneliness this weekend.
Sunday night I found my $a!!& and out and out asked the wife if she was happy? And told her that I could not handle the loneliness anymore. That in 10 years, 5 years or next year I did not want our marriage the way it currently is or has been. And that I needed counselors help to sort things out. And that I loved her and always had, but I needed to be loved back. She sad that she had not been happy either and it was a lot due to her and “The Way She Was”. And she know that we had just become roommates and not husband and wife. She also said that hurting me was the last thing she had ever wanted to do (I got emotional when I told her how much I still loved her). She said that she loved me, but the love in her heart for me had just “disappeared” and was not there anymore. (That hurt!).
The oldest and grandkids are planning to be here over the Holidays so the Wife said Can We Wait until after the Holidays? And I said I don’t even want it then, but yes (the word divorce was never spoken). We both looked around and in bewilderment to the 23 years of history, both realizing that all we have together would not be much or just junk apart). And she held my head as I cried saying she was sorry. She said that as much as she disagrees with counseling she said I could talk to someone, but did not give the impression that she would go.
Yesterday and now today she has been distant what little time I have been home due to work. I still kissed her HI and Bye saying I love you (because I do) but also now having an empty spot down deep because I know she does not love me or want me as a man.
Part of me says I took a step forward and the rest wants to breakdown because of what I know no I’m losing. So what now? How do I take the next step and in what direction? How do I talk to her more ?
Sunday night I found my $a!!& and out and out asked the wife if she was happy? And told her that I could not handle the loneliness anymore. That in 10 years, 5 years or next year I did not want our marriage the way it currently is or has been. And that I needed counselors help to sort things out. And that I loved her and always had, but I needed to be loved back. She sad that she had not been happy either and it was a lot due to her and “The Way She Was”. And she know that we had just become roommates and not husband and wife. She also said that hurting me was the last thing she had ever wanted to do (I got emotional when I told her how much I still loved her). She said that she loved me, but the love in her heart for me had just “disappeared” and was not there anymore. (That hurt!).
The oldest and grandkids are planning to be here over the Holidays so the Wife said Can We Wait until after the Holidays? And I said I don’t even want it then, but yes (the word divorce was never spoken). We both looked around and in bewilderment to the 23 years of history, both realizing that all we have together would not be much or just junk apart). And she held my head as I cried saying she was sorry. She said that as much as she disagrees with counseling she said I could talk to someone, but did not give the impression that she would go.
Yesterday and now today she has been distant what little time I have been home due to work. I still kissed her HI and Bye saying I love you (because I do) but also now having an empty spot down deep because I know she does not love me or want me as a man.
Part of me says I took a step forward and the rest wants to breakdown because of what I know no I’m losing. So what now? How do I take the next step and in what direction? How do I talk to her more ?
Replies
Dear WT,
You were very courageous to address this with your wife head on... and with as much tenderness as possible. You were vulnerable with her and this also took a very brave heart. I commend you for that.
My counsellor said once, \"You can\'t push a rope.\" And though your wife doesn\'t sound like she wants to see a counsellor I strongly recommend YOU do. Do you have a trusted therapist already in mind whom you can see?
I wouldn\'t wait until after the holidays to begin working on this... even though she suggested it. You yourself need as much support as possible.
My own love for my H had begun to wane at one point... if it hadn\'t been for my commitment to the sacred vows I had taken with him 29 1/2 years ago I would easily have walked.... It doesn\'t sound like you want to walk either.
So like they say in AlAnon... \"Let it begin with me.\" You have the ability to get the ball rolling. You can get the help you need.
There are many good resources in the States which we don\'t have here in Canada... I know you are very overwhelmed right now but if you ever want to know what resources have helped me along the way feel free to ask.
Blessings to you my friend. You are a man of honour. Before God, I know you will do all you can do to make this work. That\'s all you can do. And at the end of the day you will be able to hold your head up high knowing you did not give up.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers... you and your W.
\"When you don\'t know what to do, do the next right thing.\" ~ Steve Arterburn of:
newlife.com
WT, I have little to add to what PeaceHarmony has so eloquently said. I agree 100% with her recommendation of \"Let it begin with ME.\" You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of the current situation. And my X would NEVER get into counseling -- marriage counseling, conflict resolution or individual therapy -- all through our 30 year relationship. I should have made my ultimatums stick a long time before; had I done that, I could have saved myself years of pain and suffering.
It TAKES TWO to make a marriage work -- and it is WORK! Her unwillingness to get into counseling with you is a pretty clear indicator that she doesn\'t want to put any energy into the relationship. This is not a good sign...I just hope to God she doesn\'t already have someone on the side. Unfortunately, this is usually the case when they tell you they \"don\'t love you anymore\" or \"have no feelings for the marriage anymore.\"
My best advice -- get yourself into therapy NOW and then start looking around for a good divorce attorney -- if to know your rights if nothing else.
My heart bleeds for you this morning upon reading this journal. I can still remember walking around feeling as if I had been gut-shot.
As far as putting it off until after the holidays -- whose benefit is that for? Kids KNOW something is wrong -- and little ones are more perceptive than we give them credit for.
You have to look out for yourself before you can look out for anyone else, my friend. Protect your heart. Prolonging inevitable pain often makes it worse.
We are all here to help. Please talk to us. And know I am holding you in thought and prayer.
Thank You both for your words of wisdom, support and prayers. The waiting is because the oldest is coming with the grandkids and they are as much a light in my life and both my girls were when they were younger (and they still are). Both my girls have previously told me they dont know how I have been able to continue to love their mom : and my response has been I Love her and You Just because I do! I have gone to a therapist (without the Ws knowledge) a couple of times, but will seek someone new (This one is not available and does not return phone messages timely, usually 2 to 3 day after!). I have made contact with my works employee assistance program and already have a referral to an Attorney for a separation/divorce consultation. My next hurdle to to get the Wife to discuss separation of property, Which way we will go. I will gladly give her all the tangibles and start new as long as I get part of the history (photos and remembrances). But she does not have a way to support the upkeep of the house and other bills, even if I take a loan and pay it all off so that there are only monthly utilities and insurance. And the thought of that has left me sad, guilty and emotional.
DEEP Breath, One day at a time, One step at a time, Make sure there is movement (like it or not) and dont let this progress stand still and stagnate. Pray for me and mine.
I will indeed keep you in prayer. One day at a time for sure... Is there a DivorceCare support group in your area which you can participate in? During the time I was separated I was attending one in my city and it really provided me with much support...
divorcecare.org
Take good care, k?