Long time

It's been a long time since I've been here.  Mostly, because it's too painful.  While in the beginning it was very helpful to know that I was not alone in my situation, it quickly made me aware that sometimes there's not much hope.
I have been estranged from my oldest daughter for 5 years now.  While in the beginning, it was total estrangement, it's now more of a "I'll figure out if it suits me to let you in or keep you out and keep you guessing at every turn" type of thing.  Mostly, I'm out.  But, I will get the occasional birthday party invite but no Merry Christmas call or even a how you are feeling text when she knows I've been very ill.
During these 5 years Kristi gave birth to my (now) 3 year old granddaughter Anna.  I've seen her maybe a dozen times, mostly briefly and she hasn't even begun to warm up to me.  It hurts so badly.  And in the meantime, my 9 year old grandson that I was very close with that cried for me all the time when the estrangement began, now rarely asks for me any more.
It's taken a lot of prayer and medication for me to get as far as I have.  But, I don't have much hope for it getting much better.  I don't know how some of you are still here and seem to be still finding strength but God bless you.